Union Through Decomposition

Its not that I can't have her
Its that when I do have her, I dont want her
And her want for me
Pushes me towards another
Whom I can't have

This lack of commitment is a shield
Protecting my heart
Protecting my gut
As I roil in the soil
To return to my natural self
The dirt and grime
With my maggot relatives

I dont know how to care for myself. Lounging in filth while I stare off into the screen of distraction. I rather do drugs and let myself go than do something that would help myself. I look forward to overeating. Not in a pity of gluttony. In a delusion of gourmet and health.

I roll in physical pain, of discomfort and upset bowels
That has developed over years of psychological protection
That I am more sound than I genuinely am
I am not interested
In becoming a better person
Only in letting what is alive take its natural erosion