Friendship

Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth the trouble.  
A relationship that is a constant struggle.  
I’m told that the past and memories become more prominent over the years, but the odds stacked against me feels far from fair.
The anxieties...the insecurities...the guilt eating away at my very essence.  
Regret grows and burns within me as sometimes I wish I never even had a story to tell.  
Sometimes that voice in my head tells me of harrowing sorrows that far outweigh my happiness both then and now.  
Wouldn’t it be great if I could just wipe it clean and start anew?
 
Why am I always the one at fault...?
Am I truly the issue?
Why have I lived my entire life feeling guilty about something?
Will I always feel this way?
Am I broken?
“You can’t be fixed.”
“No matter how much you try, you can’t change.”
The ringing in my head eventually eats away at the very walls I’ve built to feel normal. To feel worthy of partaking in a little happiness.  
All of my efforts over the years spent on trying to make myself feel like it’s okay to be happy becomes eroded, distorted.  
“What’s the point?”
What’s the point.  
“Maybe all of these people would be better off with you dead.”  
Maybe...
 
 
Maybe