Still anxious..

Yesterday night, I stayed up writing lyrics until 2am, and couldn’t fall asleep until 3am.

The lyrics I wrote were great, but, I really don’t think that’s the problem. Honestly, it’s just me being too hard on myself again.

But uGhGHhgh, I can’t control it.

Even now, I’m still obsessing over the numbers that I get on my poems, and now I feel worn out and sad. I’m tired, frustrated and worrying over shit for no damn reason.

Typical day, typical day.

And, I don’t even want to get started on my procrastination..........

Jesus, I hope no one comes for me. :’)

I think the problem is, I don’t really have any other hobbies. Whenever I’m in awkward spaces like these, where I‘ve just posted some work, but I’m waiting like a loner to see how people will respond, it just riles me up for some reason.

I need to be able to trust myself enough to say my work is good enough, just to leave my work on the internet alone.

The other problem is, I don’t trust myself that much.

Haha, anxiety, do you know what personal space means? Cause, aHeM I think you need to back the fuck off.

When I went to a psychologist for a couple of years, they actually gave me a form stating different problematic thinking mindsets one with perfectionism (and I guess social anxiety) experiences.
One of them was “mind-reading”, which means I try and read into people’s heads too much.

I feel like—actually, I know—that this is happening every time I post something on DU poetry.
When I post something, I want so badly just to peer into the minds of someone reading my poem....hoping they’ll enjoy it...hoping they’ll think I’m cool...hoping...just hoping...

I need a substitute activity besides just awkwardly waiting after I post something—and it can’t be studying cause studying to me is like celery (which I hate).
I will not use it as a substitute for anything, unless someone is forcing me to.

Like, studying is great and all, and I’m even an advocate for it, but it doesn’t help my anxiety, nope, nope.

I need to do something else, though, I don’t know what...

Some people like to colour in colouring books, which I think is cool. Though, I’m not sure that in the midst of a pandemic that I should buy one. Also my printer is busted so I can’t print any sheets either. Crap.

Youtube? That’s always a good distraction.
Lol, that’s basically saying, “throw yourself in a black hole, nothing else can reach you there.”
Okay, so Youtube, maybe not..

Hahaha, this is what happens when you spend most of your childhood inside of your house, you never have much opportunity to learn new activities you like and don’t like........wait.

I like cooking.

OMOO, I can cook something~ That could work...

What happens though if I cook too much food? What if I gain tons of weight?
Oh no...

Hmm, what else could I do...

I have stuffed toys, I can talk to them~
Like, I know it sounds sad, but, this is what you have to resort to sometimes when you’re an only child/adult.

Or lol even one of my friends, I can try talking to them...if I don’t feel too, too anxious that is.

Okay here’s the summary of my options:
1. Cook something deliciosoo
2. Study???
3. Speak to my stuffies :3 (cuties~)
4. Text/speak to an actual person

Aight, I’ll try these out and give an update in the future.
Let’s hope they work boi ;)