its been 10 years and i still dont know how to sleep

There has been a constant etching away at what little remains of me
I loss sleep and i cant eat
Ever tick of a second feels like i am decomposing
I search frantically for something to hold on to
A friend, a hobby, an event
Something i can reach and even if my fingers only gently graze its surface i have something tangible to say i have
Something to quietly stitch my lacerations together while i pitifully trudge forward
But lately
I reach for string and gasp at shadows that whisk away between my fingers
Rope burn on aching hands
Every minor inconvenience feels like a thousand tons of weigh on my compressed chest and im begging for just a moment of breath
Just a moment to get my bearings
I feel selfish and childish
I feel like ive never been able to leave the sad 12 year old girl i was
Too unsure and sad to make plans for a future i never saw myself in
Never learned how to buckle those heavy cement boots and strive to something better

I just let it eat me

I let this bacteria lace its heavy ink soaked tendrils in my head
Let it occupy space, let it reside rent free
Squatters rights to mental illness
You've been here long enough i cant kick you out now
What would i be without you
I have no version of self without you so go ahead and stay
Take my sleep, my appetite and the few healthy relationships ive tirelessly tended to keep around
Take it all, erase it, rewire the coding of me and remind me that i am nothing without you
There is no i without you