deepundergroundpoetry.com
MY All
It was as moon cast shadows, flee
and held me in that sense of wonderment
behold pure spirit, a mind of no impropriety
a table of such perfect elements
Hair swept on golden sandy shores
not baited hook that wears designer clothes
the prefect pebble and claim it as yours
pull down the moon, my need a baying wolf
Turbulence of eyes that meet
demure the questions and not blink
ask with hidden lust, inflection indiscreet
dream of nakedness beneath the mink
She carries the corsetry of unfettered flesh
erection carried high on stilted heel
jealous women, eye her pert firm breast's
peach youth upon her buttock's keel
Intellect in abundance
a lexicon no word could describe
not arm candy revealed with each inane utterance
for we two starting our own tribe
a KING with this Queen by my side
and held me in that sense of wonderment
behold pure spirit, a mind of no impropriety
a table of such perfect elements
Hair swept on golden sandy shores
not baited hook that wears designer clothes
the prefect pebble and claim it as yours
pull down the moon, my need a baying wolf
Turbulence of eyes that meet
demure the questions and not blink
ask with hidden lust, inflection indiscreet
dream of nakedness beneath the mink
She carries the corsetry of unfettered flesh
erection carried high on stilted heel
jealous women, eye her pert firm breast's
peach youth upon her buttock's keel
Intellect in abundance
a lexicon no word could describe
not arm candy revealed with each inane utterance
for we two starting our own tribe
a KING with this Queen by my side
Published 22nd Jun 2020
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likes 5
reading list entries 2
comments 4
reads 479
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
22nd Jun 2020 9:38am
<< post removed >>
22nd Jun 2020 11:02am
22nd Jun 2020 1:40pm
Wonderful, Slip! Just a few suggestions:
pull down the moon, my needs like baying wolves
Consider altering this line to:
pull down the moon, my need a baying wolf
When using similes try to avoid "like" at all costs. Plus the consonance of the a between a & baying is fantastic, and plays right into "claim" on the previous line.
This stanza contains three 'ands' that I think can be eliminated with a bit of change:
Turbulence of eyes that meet
demure the questions and not blink
[and] ask with hidden lust, inflection indiscreet
[and] dream of nakedness beneath the mink
Do you REALLY need those last two? Read the lines without them.
pull down the moon, my needs like baying wolves
Consider altering this line to:
pull down the moon, my need a baying wolf
When using similes try to avoid "like" at all costs. Plus the consonance of the a between a & baying is fantastic, and plays right into "claim" on the previous line.
This stanza contains three 'ands' that I think can be eliminated with a bit of change:
Turbulence of eyes that meet
demure the questions and not blink
[and] ask with hidden lust, inflection indiscreet
[and] dream of nakedness beneath the mink
Do you REALLY need those last two? Read the lines without them.
25th Jun 2020 2:21am
This is really pretty and eloquent the way it reads, a sophisticated romance tale that is both raw and elegant..
