Mentally ill?

 
You ever hold your own hand for intimacy?
Run your own fingers up and down the veins in your forearm  
The last 7 months have been the loneliest I’ve ever felt
Ive tried so hard to give myself the love I know someone else would give me
How am I to accept it when
I resent it
If it’s from me
I want someone to love me  
But loathe myself  
I’ve never wanted someone to love me so bad and at the the same time want no one to ever look at me as a partner  
I’m toxic to people, I’ve been saying it for years I’ve been telling myself but have never accepted it
I just push the feelings down my throat and pray they go away.
I’ve never been good at trusting myself.
Lies are all I’ve ever known
So it’s become normal to convince myself that I’m speaking lies and I just can’t tell the truth
I can love people without hurting them
False
I can let people love me without turning tail
Without self sabotage
 
I can’t convince myself of either. But I am so persuasive