deepundergroundpoetry.com
my rehab experience
rehab is a trash can
where all the sick people
come to live in
they try to get well
then realize there in hell
and have been brainwashed
by the 12-step spell
i am so over this shit
it is making me sick
i want to leave now
but don't know how
i have been trapped in a cage
my heart filled with so much rage
are these the consequences
that i have to pay
the more i try to stay
the more i go insane
i want to go home
but they wont put me on a plane
i've tried to be nice
tried to be kind
but it does not work
so i want to rewind
back to the place i was before
it was not bad there
i am sad here, and angry
and frustrated even more
i want to go to a place
where i can smile
where i can see my kids
and play for awhile
i want to see my family
and put a smile on their face
that to me would be the very best place
where all the sick people
come to live in
they try to get well
then realize there in hell
and have been brainwashed
by the 12-step spell
i am so over this shit
it is making me sick
i want to leave now
but don't know how
i have been trapped in a cage
my heart filled with so much rage
are these the consequences
that i have to pay
the more i try to stay
the more i go insane
i want to go home
but they wont put me on a plane
i've tried to be nice
tried to be kind
but it does not work
so i want to rewind
back to the place i was before
it was not bad there
i am sad here, and angry
and frustrated even more
i want to go to a place
where i can smile
where i can see my kids
and play for awhile
i want to see my family
and put a smile on their face
that to me would be the very best place
Published 14th Jan 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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14th Jan 2012 10:27pm
hang in wit thee anger & sad & don't go anywhere. ye don't have to agree wit it or Like it..just stay there & do til there's a 'chance' you can get out wit'out gettin all fucked-up again. Let Other People decide when you're ready to go. Yr family ain't gonna smile when yr all fucked up again, & i'll bet my next fckn disability check that you'll be fucked before ye get t'see they's 'smiling faces'
--long sober alcoholic/addict-- no longer doing the 12step chant, but it can save yr'life when state-o-mind is where yours at...i worked as a counselor for 10yrs...all the 'alternative' to 12step system i've looked into seem like pouring more egoshit on the same egoshit that gets us toxic in the 1st place-------but who knows, maybe y'r that 1 in a million that can turn it all around with 'willpower' & have it all Your Way....
--long sober alcoholic/addict-- no longer doing the 12step chant, but it can save yr'life when state-o-mind is where yours at...i worked as a counselor for 10yrs...all the 'alternative' to 12step system i've looked into seem like pouring more egoshit on the same egoshit that gets us toxic in the 1st place-------but who knows, maybe y'r that 1 in a million that can turn it all around with 'willpower' & have it all Your Way....
thank you Daniel, not much appreciated.... i am 70 days sober today outside of my 60 at rehab i count the day i went home as day #1 and wrote this while away in rehab it was how i felt at that time. it did a lot of good for me and i would not be where i am now without it, i write about drugs because they were the biggest part of my life for most of it. i am in the process of learning new things and a new way to live, but as i struggle in my recovery drugs in a way are still apart of my life. it will be something i work on my entire life. you do not know my state of mind.
15th Jan 2012 11:46pm
okay, well i do not eXpect t'be appreciated all the time........
no other person will ever deceive us as fatally as our own minds/egos will
sure I don't know your mind...i won't even take for granted knowing my own mind...what i think i know blocks out a lot of stuff...i've found that Not-Knowing keeps me much more flexible & agile & nicely detours the very 'normal' impulse to consciously or unconsciously engage in the toxic conflicts & competitions about who Knows most & best.
since i was a teen i've been among addicts, first as a participant, then as a helper...I don't Know anyone's mind, but over-time certain thought patterns become uncannily consistent, & as long as i've been around, i know a lot of dead people who thought they Knew something special about themselves that no one else could understand if they didn't affirm their self-knowledge....
what we Don't Know & what we Don't Do seems more important to finding peace than than our inherited ego-conditioning to Know more,more,more & Do more more more. Unfortunately, the self-deceptions of addiction seem to be especially lethal to us creative people.
Pursuing what wee think are our Rights often leads leads us to some terribly wrong places.
we're all simultaneously right+wrong...
i won't say any more about this....may y'find yr piece of Peace, dear.
no other person will ever deceive us as fatally as our own minds/egos will
sure I don't know your mind...i won't even take for granted knowing my own mind...what i think i know blocks out a lot of stuff...i've found that Not-Knowing keeps me much more flexible & agile & nicely detours the very 'normal' impulse to consciously or unconsciously engage in the toxic conflicts & competitions about who Knows most & best.
since i was a teen i've been among addicts, first as a participant, then as a helper...I don't Know anyone's mind, but over-time certain thought patterns become uncannily consistent, & as long as i've been around, i know a lot of dead people who thought they Knew something special about themselves that no one else could understand if they didn't affirm their self-knowledge....
what we Don't Know & what we Don't Do seems more important to finding peace than than our inherited ego-conditioning to Know more,more,more & Do more more more. Unfortunately, the self-deceptions of addiction seem to be especially lethal to us creative people.
Pursuing what wee think are our Rights often leads leads us to some terribly wrong places.
we're all simultaneously right+wrong...
i won't say any more about this....may y'find yr piece of Peace, dear.
14th Jan 2012 10:48pm
nice! regardless of your position or state of mind. this is very heartfelt and all-in all a good composition... couldn't help but peep the comment b4... i read these words now yet believe that this is n was a long ago period in you life... if urs?.. anywho! very nice! a couple wrinkles as it flows... My life filled with rage; Rage is always received as high volume or intense. So, "with so much" is too much. Fewer words means more power in those which remain! less IS more
14th Jan 2012 11:05pm
14th Jan 2012 10:52pm
I disagree with Daniel. No one should say you are ready. No one has the right to tell you how to feel. Nobody knows you better than yourself. "They" treat you all the same. That's their job; not a bleeding heart from them. We are all addicts of choice. If you "Need It" you are an addict. I will not give you sympathy for I too have been in your shoes. My kids kept me going. Not going to preach just realize you are stronger than your weakness! Once again you touch my heart for what I've seen.
Anonymous
- Edited 15th Jan 2012 3:03am
15th Jan 2012 3:00am
I was thinking about writing something about the side of drugs that compelled me without having a moral to the story or a big negative connotation as it's poetry not a guide to self-help. You expressed in your description your feeling of your position so I disagree with the person up there who gave you rehab tips. This is poetry not advice. Are we allowed to swear on comment boards - let me know please!
"i want to go to a place
where i can smile
where i can see my kids
and play for awhile
i want to see my family
and put a smile on their face
that to me would be the very best place"
....I think that negative person was missing the point, to me that is what you want regardless so you can express it via your experience of rehab just as you could by describing in another way if you were in a different place that prevented you from achieving your wants. Sorry to ramble.. I know what I mean anyway!!! x
OH and P.s.
"I write about drugs because they were the biggest part of my life"
yep. It's the most positive and theraputic thing I've done recently. Writing something every day is helping me put things into perspective. If my life was sunshine and flowers every day I'd write about that, though it wouldn't be as interesting ;-)
Congrats on the time achieved so far... x
"i want to go to a place
where i can smile
where i can see my kids
and play for awhile
i want to see my family
and put a smile on their face
that to me would be the very best place"
....I think that negative person was missing the point, to me that is what you want regardless so you can express it via your experience of rehab just as you could by describing in another way if you were in a different place that prevented you from achieving your wants. Sorry to ramble.. I know what I mean anyway!!! x
OH and P.s.
"I write about drugs because they were the biggest part of my life"
yep. It's the most positive and theraputic thing I've done recently. Writing something every day is helping me put things into perspective. If my life was sunshine and flowers every day I'd write about that, though it wouldn't be as interesting ;-)
Congrats on the time achieved so far... x
21st Dec 2013 4:18am
