deepundergroundpoetry.com
Fucked up Girls
393 days
My name used to be Kierra Reyes. I was adopted when I was about 5. My biological mom did drugs while pregnant with me, and my biological dad wasn’t around much. My mother (Laci Armstrong Davis) sexually molested her younger brothers when she was a kid. She later had a boyfriend named Aaron Armstrong. He was a registered sex offender and she let him have unrestricted access to me, many times alone. My adoptive dad is named David, and my adoptive mom is named Susan.
When I first entered the home, they were fostering many kids at a time. Over the years they fostered over 400 children. They changed my name to Madison Rae Dryden.
When I was in third grade, my uncle got me an iPad. I used it for homework, and talking with my uncle. But I soon started looking into social media (behind my parents’ backs). I got facebook, and eventually started being contacted by much older men. They made me feel safe, and made me feel like I could trust them. But then they started asking for explicit pictures. I was very hesitant, but they told me that it was “normal” and that it was what everyone did.
I ended up giving in, and most of them stopped talking to me. I found out later that several of them had sold the photos online.
A little bit later that year I was friends with a girl. I won’t disclose her name or where she was from, for her privacy. She told me that she had had sex. She was a year younger than me and I was skeptical. She said she would prove it, and she showed me pictures. After a while of being friends with her, I met the guy. He looked much older. I could see wrinkles on his face, and bags under his eyes. He had a tattoo on his wrist.
The girl left the room to get food, and the guy moved toward the couch that she and I had been sitting on. He leaned forward and started touching my face. I asked him to stop, and I moved away. He simply moved closer and grabbed one of my wrists. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He put his hands up my shirt and around my back. I tensed up, and he pushed me to lay on the couch.
At this point I started shaking. I had no idea what was happening, but I knew it was wrong. I tried to push him off of me but he was too large and strong. He buried his face in my neck and I felt him kissing the skin there. I was confused and scared, and I felt lost and weak. He pulled my pants down to my knees and started running his hands up and down my legs.
During the whole thing, all I could think about was the fact that adults had always told me to be careful of strange adults, not to accept food from them, not to go anywhere with them. He hurt me until he heard my friend close the fridge and start to walk towards the door. He shoved my pants up and pulled up his own before moving back to his spot in the chair.
My friend was oblivious to what had just happened. I felt so confused. How could she not see? There must have been some sign above my head advertising what I had just been through. That’s all I saw, was every detail of the couch, feeling my tousled hair. I saw how his jeans weren’t completely zipped up, and his messed up shirt.
I told my friend that I should get going. I had snuck out, as she had encouraged me to, and I suddenly had the idea that my parents were looking for me right then. I didn’t know much about what had just happened, but the one thing I did know was that I would never tell anyone, ever. At least, that’s what I thought.
《》
A few months after the assault happened, I had sort of stopped thinking about it. I found that when I thought of it, I got those same feelings that I had experienced during the event itself. When I pushed away successfully, I didn’t feel so scared.
When I entered 5th grade, I had gotten very good at pushing things away, so not much had happened. A couple weeks into the school year, my mom went to a doctor’s appointment because she hadn’t been feeling well. She took a pretty long time.
Later my dad was on the phone and he seemed really upset. My sister Tawni and her husband Ryan came over to the house to talk to him. I didn’t know what it was about, because my dad told me to go into the other room.
After a bit they all left, leaving me, my brother Ralph and my sister Mikey at home. At this point I was getting really scared because nobody would tell me what the hell was going on. I went into my brother’s room and told him I thought something bad had happened. He just sort of shrugged it off. I started texting my friend, and I told him what was happening. He was really helpful, but he had to leave to go to work.
So then I just sat there at the table, eventually moving into my room. My dad, sister and brother-in-law didn’t get home until like 9:30.
My dad called Ralph, Mikey and I into the room, and we all sat at the table. He started crying and he told us that my mom was sick with cancer. She was going to stay at the hospital for a while. At this point I don’t remember anything else that happened, because I sort of just blacked out.
I went to my room and cried. I don’t know how long I cried, but I cried until I fell asleep.
The next morning I got up and went to school. I don’t really remember much. I was pretty withdrawn and out of it throughout the whole day. I went to the bathroom a lot, and just stood in front of the mirror. I don’t remember anything about that. I blacked out and would suddenly find myself back in class with no memory of how I got there. I went to see my mom that day in the hospital.
When we got there, the nurses said that you had to be at least twelve years old to visit a patient in the area my mom was in. I was 10. The nurse let me go in and told them that I was twelve though, because it was my mom and I was scared. We weren’t allowed in her hospital room, but she came out to a visiting room. She was wearing her regular clothes but also had a face mask on. Most of the family came, including my nieces and nephews ranging from just 9 months old to 3 or 4 years old.
I went to school and home for the next couple days, nowhere else. On Saturday night my mom was going to have a surgery. I spent the night at my sister Tawni’s house.
The next morning, Tawni woke me up at about 2:30. She was crying and said we needed to go to the hospital. I sat in the back of the car with her son Finn, who was just 9 months old. Tawni was calling our siblings, telling them that they needed to get to the hospital. Most of them asked a question I couldn’t hear, and then she would respond with “yes”. I didn’t say anything, but I knew what was happening. We got to the hospital, and Tawni ran to the doors, but they were locked. It took us almost another hour to finally get into the building. A woman led us to the ICU, looking at me, and then looking away when I made eye contact. As a 10 year old, I should have been more confused, or scared about this. But I wasn’t. I was just numb. After everything that I had been through, I just stopped feeling. I walked into the room, my Mom on the bed, in a hospital gown, completely still. My brother Ralph and my sister Mikey were already there, Ralph on the floor crying, and Mikey in the corner. I was silent for a while, but then I walked up to my mom, and the thing that broke me, the thing that destroyed me, was not her stillness. It was not her coldness.
I looked at her hand and I saw that her wedding ring was gone. It was not on her hand. Instead, there was a bruise. They said that she had started swelling up, and they had to take the ring off because if they didn’t, her finger would fall off.
It was then, when I realized that the smallest part of her appearance, but the most important part, was taken away. I don’t know why that one part affected me so much more than everything else, but it did.
After that, I was really withdrawn and quiet. I didn’t talk much at all.
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My name used to be Kierra Reyes. I was adopted when I was about 5. My biological mom did drugs while pregnant with me, and my biological dad wasn’t around much. My mother (Laci Armstrong Davis) sexually molested her younger brothers when she was a kid. She later had a boyfriend named Aaron Armstrong. He was a registered sex offender and she let him have unrestricted access to me, many times alone. My adoptive dad is named David, and my adoptive mom is named Susan.
When I first entered the home, they were fostering many kids at a time. Over the years they fostered over 400 children. They changed my name to Madison Rae Dryden.
When I was in third grade, my uncle got me an iPad. I used it for homework, and talking with my uncle. But I soon started looking into social media (behind my parents’ backs). I got facebook, and eventually started being contacted by much older men. They made me feel safe, and made me feel like I could trust them. But then they started asking for explicit pictures. I was very hesitant, but they told me that it was “normal” and that it was what everyone did.
I ended up giving in, and most of them stopped talking to me. I found out later that several of them had sold the photos online.
A little bit later that year I was friends with a girl. I won’t disclose her name or where she was from, for her privacy. She told me that she had had sex. She was a year younger than me and I was skeptical. She said she would prove it, and she showed me pictures. After a while of being friends with her, I met the guy. He looked much older. I could see wrinkles on his face, and bags under his eyes. He had a tattoo on his wrist.
The girl left the room to get food, and the guy moved toward the couch that she and I had been sitting on. He leaned forward and started touching my face. I asked him to stop, and I moved away. He simply moved closer and grabbed one of my wrists. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He put his hands up my shirt and around my back. I tensed up, and he pushed me to lay on the couch.
At this point I started shaking. I had no idea what was happening, but I knew it was wrong. I tried to push him off of me but he was too large and strong. He buried his face in my neck and I felt him kissing the skin there. I was confused and scared, and I felt lost and weak. He pulled my pants down to my knees and started running his hands up and down my legs.
During the whole thing, all I could think about was the fact that adults had always told me to be careful of strange adults, not to accept food from them, not to go anywhere with them. He hurt me until he heard my friend close the fridge and start to walk towards the door. He shoved my pants up and pulled up his own before moving back to his spot in the chair.
My friend was oblivious to what had just happened. I felt so confused. How could she not see? There must have been some sign above my head advertising what I had just been through. That’s all I saw, was every detail of the couch, feeling my tousled hair. I saw how his jeans weren’t completely zipped up, and his messed up shirt.
I told my friend that I should get going. I had snuck out, as she had encouraged me to, and I suddenly had the idea that my parents were looking for me right then. I didn’t know much about what had just happened, but the one thing I did know was that I would never tell anyone, ever. At least, that’s what I thought.
《》
A few months after the assault happened, I had sort of stopped thinking about it. I found that when I thought of it, I got those same feelings that I had experienced during the event itself. When I pushed away successfully, I didn’t feel so scared.
When I entered 5th grade, I had gotten very good at pushing things away, so not much had happened. A couple weeks into the school year, my mom went to a doctor’s appointment because she hadn’t been feeling well. She took a pretty long time.
Later my dad was on the phone and he seemed really upset. My sister Tawni and her husband Ryan came over to the house to talk to him. I didn’t know what it was about, because my dad told me to go into the other room.
After a bit they all left, leaving me, my brother Ralph and my sister Mikey at home. At this point I was getting really scared because nobody would tell me what the hell was going on. I went into my brother’s room and told him I thought something bad had happened. He just sort of shrugged it off. I started texting my friend, and I told him what was happening. He was really helpful, but he had to leave to go to work.
So then I just sat there at the table, eventually moving into my room. My dad, sister and brother-in-law didn’t get home until like 9:30.
My dad called Ralph, Mikey and I into the room, and we all sat at the table. He started crying and he told us that my mom was sick with cancer. She was going to stay at the hospital for a while. At this point I don’t remember anything else that happened, because I sort of just blacked out.
I went to my room and cried. I don’t know how long I cried, but I cried until I fell asleep.
The next morning I got up and went to school. I don’t really remember much. I was pretty withdrawn and out of it throughout the whole day. I went to the bathroom a lot, and just stood in front of the mirror. I don’t remember anything about that. I blacked out and would suddenly find myself back in class with no memory of how I got there. I went to see my mom that day in the hospital.
When we got there, the nurses said that you had to be at least twelve years old to visit a patient in the area my mom was in. I was 10. The nurse let me go in and told them that I was twelve though, because it was my mom and I was scared. We weren’t allowed in her hospital room, but she came out to a visiting room. She was wearing her regular clothes but also had a face mask on. Most of the family came, including my nieces and nephews ranging from just 9 months old to 3 or 4 years old.
I went to school and home for the next couple days, nowhere else. On Saturday night my mom was going to have a surgery. I spent the night at my sister Tawni’s house.
The next morning, Tawni woke me up at about 2:30. She was crying and said we needed to go to the hospital. I sat in the back of the car with her son Finn, who was just 9 months old. Tawni was calling our siblings, telling them that they needed to get to the hospital. Most of them asked a question I couldn’t hear, and then she would respond with “yes”. I didn’t say anything, but I knew what was happening. We got to the hospital, and Tawni ran to the doors, but they were locked. It took us almost another hour to finally get into the building. A woman led us to the ICU, looking at me, and then looking away when I made eye contact. As a 10 year old, I should have been more confused, or scared about this. But I wasn’t. I was just numb. After everything that I had been through, I just stopped feeling. I walked into the room, my Mom on the bed, in a hospital gown, completely still. My brother Ralph and my sister Mikey were already there, Ralph on the floor crying, and Mikey in the corner. I was silent for a while, but then I walked up to my mom, and the thing that broke me, the thing that destroyed me, was not her stillness. It was not her coldness.
I looked at her hand and I saw that her wedding ring was gone. It was not on her hand. Instead, there was a bruise. They said that she had started swelling up, and they had to take the ring off because if they didn’t, her finger would fall off.
It was then, when I realized that the smallest part of her appearance, but the most important part, was taken away. I don’t know why that one part affected me so much more than everything else, but it did.
After that, I was really withdrawn and quiet. I didn’t talk much at all.
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Published 4th May 2020
Author's Note
This is part one of an autobiography I'm writing
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
7th May 2020 00:20am
So terribly sorry you had to deal with this . I couldn’t read it all. I support full healing for you .
7th May 2020 6:11pm
I am sorry you had deal with these situations. Writing does help. Keep on writing.
13th May 2020 9:52pm
It's very difficult to tick like after reading such a dramatic life changing piece, I can only relate to losing my parents and that was pain enough but your life must of been horrific. I can only say how I admire your ability and strength to carry on. Thank you for being brave enough to share this piece. I was paralyzed 6 years ago and my wife dumped me in the hospital. I never though I'd return from that but people like yourself inspire people like me to fight on. Thank you
15th May 2020 5:31am
5th Jul 2020 5:23am
Out Of The Dark Like A Spark
Writing It Down To Ground And Rebound
Your Words Resound Pound The Soul
Like A Fire Lit Bright From A Dying Coal
And You Shall Be Rebirthed Made Whole
What Your Mother Would Want Truth Be Told
Blessings , My Friend
Writing It Down To Ground And Rebound
Your Words Resound Pound The Soul
Like A Fire Lit Bright From A Dying Coal
And You Shall Be Rebirthed Made Whole
What Your Mother Would Want Truth Be Told
Blessings , My Friend
6th Jul 2020 4:16pm
6th Jul 2020 4:25pm
Yes , I did , my friend...
Your story inspired it ;
And though I am sorry you went through the
experience , I certainly hope the words help but a little...
Your story inspired it ;
And though I am sorry you went through the
experience , I certainly hope the words help but a little...
6th Jul 2020 8:04pm
I appreciate this greatly. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to talk, privately, or through comments.
