Nightmares of my lifes reality

A pupil to a man, that raised his hand, to show force and abused me, a student himself, learned first hand about abuse, from a father who was taught from his dad about being abusive,

I sit reculsive in seclusion to hide the shame that I bear, flooding my room, ashamed that I’m ashamed and I’m scared, my minds racing won’t stop,
suicidal thoughts appear in a realm.

as I’m becoming so disillusioned, my map to solutions just causes confusion, is this a path to freedom? Or is my youth just ruined, lost and alone as I question myself, still I’m left with answers unknown.

I sleep to wake up afraid, feeling afraid I’m afraid I’m safe finding comfort in fear, fear is what I know and fear what I don’t, spend days staring at the walls justifying the lies as I lie to myself on my bed all alone,

search for conclusions and before I conclude, I always input this thought as it’s trail has me lost as I’m walking in circles I finally concluded It’s time to stop from going full circle.

So I have one question to ask?
As a child today, can I change and react without hand, so when I grow as a man, I can look back at today, because, today is the day this cycle will break.