deepundergroundpoetry.com
Slow Suicide
The suffocating grasp of your claws has
made my spirit too numb to feel the
persecuting heartache the
torturing turmoil and
conflicting sorrow of
all my failures
The ferocious slashing of your teeth has
made my skin too thick to feel the
blistering anguish the
flaming grief and
blazing torment of
all my disappointments
The poisonous howl of your rage has
made my ears too deaf to hear the
degrading screeching the
sickening shrieking and
agonizing squalling of
all your disapproval's
Existing with you is a slow suicide
I have nothing to continue for, for
I have no one to continue with
I have not anything, for
I have nothing
I have not anyone, for
I have no one
I am not anything, for
I am nothing
made my spirit too numb to feel the
persecuting heartache the
torturing turmoil and
conflicting sorrow of
all my failures
The ferocious slashing of your teeth has
made my skin too thick to feel the
blistering anguish the
flaming grief and
blazing torment of
all my disappointments
The poisonous howl of your rage has
made my ears too deaf to hear the
degrading screeching the
sickening shrieking and
agonizing squalling of
all your disapproval's
Existing with you is a slow suicide
I have nothing to continue for, for
I have no one to continue with
I have not anything, for
I have nothing
I have not anyone, for
I have no one
I am not anything, for
I am nothing
Published 10th Jan 2012
| Edited 25th Jan 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 10
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
10th Jan 2012 11:49pm
tis the way some people feel when no one seems to care - when you look within your mirror and it just stares back with no reflection - so you live each and every day as if its invisable - with nothing to see - so sad a feeling - when you can do nothing right and everything you do is wrong - I know - chin up - for your beauty has not yet been seen - but one day it will - so smile - wipe your mirror clean - and stare at the reflection for a bit - and know - you are far from nothing - deep words you have spoken here - respectfully - ^v^
11th Jan 2012 4:07am
I am sure everyone feels not good enough sometime in their life.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Thanks for the encouragement.
I like the two patterns. In the first two stanzas the line breaks give the sentences the broken flow like exasperation. The breaks are well placed parallel and meaningful. The last four stanzas are great in the way they take two statements that on the surface seem identical and show that there is additional meaning when you turn it just slightly... and again an added meaning in the way the fourth time varies from I have to I am. I'm a little unsure about assassinate and terminate however, they are more abstract or clinical than the direct language of passion that you use throughout. Either word by itself might not seem to stop the movement so, but it is a hard turn to link the two sections here.
16th Jan 2012 6:33pm
I really appreciate this feed back. I did struggle quite a bit with the assassinate/terminate stanza. I even moved it around a bit. I am not sure why I felt it had to in there at all when I wrote this. Looking at it now, it doesn't really connect the two patterns. I wonder how I can make that better. Any suggestions?
On the short side you could just insert "slay" for "assassinate" and "must end" for " will terminate" - similar meanings with more direct emotions. More elaborately since you are saying that you prefer a quick death to a prolonged death, you could replace the third line of the stanza with something that means the same as "I'll have to speed my own end." That way you don't have two parallel words for death. You have a word for it followed by a phrase for it. If you choose the second obviously insert your own phrasing. I think, however that the first solution is probably the most direct. If the whole stanza is just too bulky, then you could just truncate it to a single direct sentence. "My life with you is a slow suicide." could replace the whole thing. Then you get two movements connected by a unifying statement with no associated image.
20th Jan 2012 5:19am
I like the idea of it solely being "My life with you is a slow suicide." like you said, however, I would have to keep it "existing with you is a slow suicide" because there is no "life" with this person...only an existence. Which is why I chose such clinical words as assassinate and terminate. But I like the simplicity of the one sentence...I think it will make it flow nicely into the rest of work. Thanks for your help. :)
28th Jan 2012 8:04pm
In the end,
we're alone, nobody save us
We try that the pain
make us stronger
We do not always succeed
But it's worth groped
No one give a fuck if we croak
We remains alone
with eyes wide open
facing the void
I like what you wrote.
we're alone, nobody save us
We try that the pain
make us stronger
We do not always succeed
But it's worth groped
No one give a fuck if we croak
We remains alone
with eyes wide open
facing the void
I like what you wrote.
29th Jan 2012 6:02am
30th Apr 2012 3:15am
Isn't it terrific to feel like "nothing?" You don't have to be somebody for someone, or anyone, therefore. Maybe your persona is stronger, more real, than your mask? I liked the poem very much.
Marcella1
Marcella1
30th Apr 2012 5:23am
