deepundergroundpoetry.com
Mounted on brightened wings
How wish we, have that grace in common
in meadow with its vista mapped
see and feel its sway
the heady rush of pollen
the heart uncapped, the keg now tapped
That upward rush under the wing
spirit like Lovage; cloy on the teeth
with herbs, liven the palate with every sip
from its chrysalis then break free
A swish, its fashioned delicacy
to flutter, as notes upon a stave
that free spirit trace
like imagination's, dance upon springs ballet
From last summer's nibbled leaf
morphed to beauty, now magician's slight
that moment a wish had just escaped
to seek nectar in the summers heat
Perch upon the wishing well
that freedom we deny ourselves
for our coins will never fly
and failing hopes all drowned it that confine
Did the poet send the chill, the freeze
the lepidopterist to capture it
hold its fragile charm
mount it in a frame of rhyme
in meadow with its vista mapped
see and feel its sway
the heady rush of pollen
the heart uncapped, the keg now tapped
That upward rush under the wing
spirit like Lovage; cloy on the teeth
with herbs, liven the palate with every sip
from its chrysalis then break free
A swish, its fashioned delicacy
to flutter, as notes upon a stave
that free spirit trace
like imagination's, dance upon springs ballet
From last summer's nibbled leaf
morphed to beauty, now magician's slight
that moment a wish had just escaped
to seek nectar in the summers heat
Perch upon the wishing well
that freedom we deny ourselves
for our coins will never fly
and failing hopes all drowned it that confine
Did the poet send the chill, the freeze
the lepidopterist to capture it
hold its fragile charm
mount it in a frame of rhyme
Published 3rd Feb 2020
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Phew! Man! This is amazing, slip! That first stanza is mesmerizing and reads like a true classic!
The third stanza contains a misused semicolon. [A]s, in this context, is adverbial, this a part of a phrase. A comma would work much better after both verbs in this stanza. Also, I would remove 'the' in L2 and L4, as they're not needed. Lastly, don't forget your possessive tenses, such as spring's.
A swish[,] its fashioned delicacy
to flutter[,] as [the] notes upon a stave
that free spirit trace
like imagination[,] dance upon [the] spring[']s ballet
Thus, it would read much smoother like this:
A swish, its fashioned delicacy
to flutter, as notes upon a stave
that free spirit trace
like imagination, dance upon spring's ballet
Again with your possessive tenses in stanza four, beginning with summer's in L1/L3, and magician's in L2. L4 is a perfect example of where 'the' actually works,and summer doesn't need to be plural or possessive, but singular. I think the past tense of the verb morph(ed) would work much better in L2, as you are referring to last summer. You want to pause after beauty to separate past and present tense of morphed and now. I'm really unsure of what you're trying to say in this stanza, so I'm working, grasping at what I feel you're trying to say, vs relaxing into it with definitive meaning.
From last summer[']s nibbled leaf
morph[ed] to beauty[,] now magician[']s slight
was moment; that wish had just escaped
to seek nectar in the summer heat
The semicolon denotes a bridge between two independent clauses ( sentences ). I think it's going back to the past from the present. You have last/morphed/now/was. So let's look at the first independent clause and see if it works as a whole:
From last summer's nibbled leaf
morphed to beauty, now magician's slight
was moment;
As you can see, it reads a bit confusing, particularly 'was moment'. Let's look at the second independent clause and see if that works:
that wish had just escaped
to seek nectar in the summer heat
Did you mean the moment that wish had just escaped? if so, let's get that semicolon out of there and replace 'was' with 'the' and remove the past tense of had:
From last summer's nibbled leaf
morphed to beauty, now magician's slight
the moment that wish just escaped
to seek nectar in the summer heat
Do you see the difference? Slight makes complete sense now.
With the exception of the above bump, this is a beautiful verse which only needs slight tinkering regarding tenses and punctuation throughout. Remember, a semicolon is a bridge between two sentences. It's not as final as a period, and signifies, wait! there's more to this, keep reading.
We are actually addressing the semicolon in the punctuation workshop today! I hope you join us!
The third stanza contains a misused semicolon. [A]s, in this context, is adverbial, this a part of a phrase. A comma would work much better after both verbs in this stanza. Also, I would remove 'the' in L2 and L4, as they're not needed. Lastly, don't forget your possessive tenses, such as spring's.
A swish[,] its fashioned delicacy
to flutter[,] as [the] notes upon a stave
that free spirit trace
like imagination[,] dance upon [the] spring[']s ballet
Thus, it would read much smoother like this:
A swish, its fashioned delicacy
to flutter, as notes upon a stave
that free spirit trace
like imagination, dance upon spring's ballet
Again with your possessive tenses in stanza four, beginning with summer's in L1/L3, and magician's in L2. L4 is a perfect example of where 'the' actually works,and summer doesn't need to be plural or possessive, but singular. I think the past tense of the verb morph(ed) would work much better in L2, as you are referring to last summer. You want to pause after beauty to separate past and present tense of morphed and now. I'm really unsure of what you're trying to say in this stanza, so I'm working, grasping at what I feel you're trying to say, vs relaxing into it with definitive meaning.
From last summer[']s nibbled leaf
morph[ed] to beauty[,] now magician[']s slight
was moment; that wish had just escaped
to seek nectar in the summer heat
The semicolon denotes a bridge between two independent clauses ( sentences ). I think it's going back to the past from the present. You have last/morphed/now/was. So let's look at the first independent clause and see if it works as a whole:
From last summer's nibbled leaf
morphed to beauty, now magician's slight
was moment;
As you can see, it reads a bit confusing, particularly 'was moment'. Let's look at the second independent clause and see if that works:
that wish had just escaped
to seek nectar in the summer heat
Did you mean the moment that wish had just escaped? if so, let's get that semicolon out of there and replace 'was' with 'the' and remove the past tense of had:
From last summer's nibbled leaf
morphed to beauty, now magician's slight
the moment that wish just escaped
to seek nectar in the summer heat
Do you see the difference? Slight makes complete sense now.
With the exception of the above bump, this is a beautiful verse which only needs slight tinkering regarding tenses and punctuation throughout. Remember, a semicolon is a bridge between two sentences. It's not as final as a period, and signifies, wait! there's more to this, keep reading.
We are actually addressing the semicolon in the punctuation workshop today! I hope you join us!
Anonymous
3rd Feb 2020 5:05pm
If i didn't know any better, I'd say ^ Ahavati ^ was excited by punctuation ...
and grammar ...
language ....
poetry ...
writing ..................
Slip, whatever you are having for breakfast lately, share a bowl of it with me!
"How wish we, have that grace in common
in meadow with its vista mapped
see and feel its sway
the heady rush of pollen
the heart uncapped, the keg now tapped"
Wonderful use of rhyme!!!
and grammar ...
language ....
poetry ...
writing ..................
Slip, whatever you are having for breakfast lately, share a bowl of it with me!
"How wish we, have that grace in common
in meadow with its vista mapped
see and feel its sway
the heady rush of pollen
the heart uncapped, the keg now tapped"
Wonderful use of rhyme!!!
thank you so much. There is an obvious joke you must like me have more muesli (Muse-ly) for breakfast (can that go on the joke page)
