Sober

Why is it so hard to be sober
I just want my life to be over
Put the pipe to my head, pull the trigger
Begone forever
I’ve struggled ever since the age of fifteen
From a life of religion and white trash
To getting touched as a kid and feeling my life crash.
Uncle saying yo hit this shit
Eyes fold back and overdose
Feel the reality of losing life hit
Ain’t life a bitch
When I woke up he said if I died, they would’ve just thrown me into a ditch.

I watched my mothers heart,
Get torn apart
For a woman to still love a man, do anything to please him any way she can.
Even after he left her for another.
Took her kids away from their mother.
Every day,
She would wake up and put on make up.
Just hoping he’d look up her way.
Slowly she fell into insanity.
All because her love was in vanity.

Stay strong
Pull through
They don’t know you
No matter what you do
Just keep breathing
Take another step
We will make it through

Upon graduation
I signed my life away
To an even shittier situation
I thought I was doing what was best for myself.
Little did I know, it would be the one thing that killed myself.
I felt so proud to be more then my biological father.
But it lead to depression leading me farther and farther.
Into my own head of isolation.
I drowned myself in alcohol and women.
Just to wake up and commit my life to a ship that never even cared.
I watched my friends commit suicide cause no one cared.
LPD-18 turned into Cell Block 18.
I felt my mothers insanity growing inside of me.

Finally out of the military.
I thought life would change for the best for me.
It lead to a mental breakdown that almost took my life away from me.
What happens when you die?
Do you restart all over?
Or do I finally get to not be me?
What happened to the purpose?
What happened to meaning?
Theres nothing here to keep me in place.
I’m floating in a sea of nothingness.
I try and reach for help
But you can’t teach someone who‘s so lost in nothing.

Stay strong
Pull through
They don’t know you
No matter what you do
Just keep breathing
Take another step
We will make it through
Even though life is a letdown.
Sober thoughts try to derail.
I will never backdown.
One day I hope I can feel again.