The Year of the Fly

Brother, I am Raskolnikov.
I am verging on depravity and introspection.
I have a moth-eaten soul and bleached skin.
But I want to converse, and I want to be extrovert.
I want a friend or two.

Brother, I am Ben-Hur.
I am the epitome of a moral slate,
I am the face of a stone, commandments written.
And I proclaim the prophecy alone,
Flea-bitten.

I am two iconic figures, with a schism in between,
I am the middle ground, with an idea to intervene.
I am held, I am released, I’m shoved out into the world,
I am relinquished of heat and snowflake coated.
This will be the year of the Fly.

I want closure.

Glass wings and eyes glimmering with perspective,
I inch forward into the recesses of my own fault,
Like a tapeworm in a gullet.
I should suffocate the idea, lungs compressed.
Am I depressed?

Closure…come closer.

Why do they just leave me behind, like the runt of a litter?
I am no pig, I have humor (I’m really funny, actually).
Why do they cast me aside like a leper?
I am clean…I am green.

I need this closure.

Brother, if I am in fact Raskolnikov and Ben-Hur,
Then I may in fact be a contradiction.
Do you feel chained to me, for you are my brother?
Have I earned your friendship, even if it’s feigned?
I don’t want to know how to feel pain.
I don’t think I deserve it.

Give it to me, damnit. Give me closure.

I sift steadily about lonely streets, they have no names.
I feel like the gladiator that my ego’s conjured, proud and insolent.
I bet people call me that cheeky little fuck who walks headfirst, nose up,
Eyes crossed.
They do not know that I am the Prince of the Jews,
The hexagram amidst the baphomets.
They think I am ignorant.
Hell, I don’t know, I could be…but I bet I’m not.

Give me closure.

And if I am Ben-Hur, then I shouldn’t need friends…
I should already have them. Oh, contradictions, you are the light in my black,
The needle in my back.
So, if I don’t have these so-called “friends”,
Only people that are merely part of the passerby,
Just small shadows that hunt for a way to avoid me,
Then I can’t be Judah Ben-Hur.
It seems that I am at an impasse with myself.

I want closure

I must be Raskolnikov, the lone wolf in an evolution.
I must be that guy that no one even blinks at,
That guy without reason, without purpose, except to merely corrupt.
I’m that guy…and if I’m that guy, then my assumptions of not being
Ben-Hur--no…no…I can’t be that fucking worthless piece of shit guy.
I am both, I am two beings diverged in the yellow wood of my conscience.
The arrogant, the humble, the hermit, the warrior.
I can be many things if I tell myself to…
If I force myself to.

Give me that fucking closure.

It’s so good to see you, brother…I’ve missed you so much…
Come into my esoterism, climb up my face like a parasite, “brother”.
We are a constellation, we are stars in a black satin horizon, revolving,
Revolting…we are an eclipse. My shadow blinds your potential…
Is this why you hate me? Has my arrogance alluded your capability?
Fuck you. You are no brother, you are no use.
You will be cast aside like the runt of the litter.
Filthy fucking pig…

Oh…closure…I beckon you to join me.

I AM  BEN-HUR, I AM THE PRINCE OF THE JEWS.
I AM THE RIGHT, THE BEARING, THE SYMBOL,
THE DIRT, THE SPIT, THE CROSS, THE CROWN OF THORNS,
THE SAVIOR, THE MESSIAH,
THE EGO IN EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU PIGS,
THAT WERE EVER TEMPTED TO RISE ABOVE YOUR PLACE IN THE PECKING ORDER.


I am Raskolnikov, the faded, the opaque, the blank, the bleached.
I am breathing under my own weight, my own fault.
I am only a fly on the window pain, insignificant.
I will die in seven days, without a memory to linger as a legacy.
This will be the year of the Fly.

Open me back up. Give me a second chance………………………………........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................………………………………........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................………………………………........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................………………………………........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................………………………………....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................