Things That I Hate

I hate that...  
 
I couldn't convince you to stay..
I hate that I let you down and fucked things up so astronomically that your feelings drastically changed, and you felt that even if we had fixed things, that it would never be the same again.. I hate that you left when I needed you the most. I hate that I drove you away, and I hate that I became everything that you hate. I hate that it took 1 day for me to lose everything.
 
I hate that I miss you so fucking much. Like, I shouldn't right? I mean you walked out on me when I was at my lowest, I should be basking in my own stench of self righteousness, talking bout "you'll regret this decision" or "you made a huge mistake" but I can't.. because I literally miss you way too much to let pride convince me that I was too good for you, and we both know that it was the other way around.
 
I hate that I miss you with such a passion, that it literally, physically hurts so much to be without you. That I'm mentally breaking down and every piece of my emotional state is being demolished by the second.
 
I hate that I can still smell you, every second of every minute of every hour of every day!!! The fact that your scent is buried so deep in the memory of my senses infuriates me, because it's going to make getting over you so much harder. It's soaked into my linen, and my pours have absorbed so much of it that I basically wreak of heartbreak, and it smells like Japenese Cherry Blossom..  
 
I hate that your voice and your laugh are the only melodies that my ears crave listening to. I hate that your voice still turns me on so much and that I can feel every vibration that's given off by the sound waves that flow out of your vocal chords. I hate that I'll never hear a sound so sweet ever again..
 
I hate that I can't listen to BAZZI anymore. Or watch Jumanji.. and that used to be one of my favorite movies, but now it just reminds me of you.  

I hate that I was a disappointment.. I hate that I brought you into my life and introduced you to my friends and family, because now I have to deal with all the dumb questions of whether it was you or me, and I can't lie.. I know it was me..

I hate that you gave up so quickly, I hate that you never gave us an actual fighting chance, I hate that you left when you said you wouldn't.. I hate that it was so easy for you, and I hate that you're so okay with being without me and I'm not
 
I hate that I'll never be able to hold your extremely moist hand ever again with my extremely moist hand and laugh at the fact that we're glued together by our sweaty palms
 
I hate that every song that I write is a reflection of how you make me feel.. whether good or bad, everything I write is inspired by you. Do you know how annoying that is? That every song sounds like you..
 
I hate that I know how you taste.. I hate that before you, my tastebuds were subjected to a life of bland and meaningless indulgences. I hate that I fell in love with your taste, I hate that from now on, your flavor will be but a memory on the tip of my tongue. I hate the fact that I'll never get to feel your perfect calamine lotion scented lips caress mine ever again.. and I hate the fact that I'll never get to challenge the best player of tongue twister I've ever versed ever again.. basically you were the best kisser that I've ever come across.. with a life changing style of swapping saliva, and I hate the fact that some other random dude is going to get the opportunity to experience that some time in the near future.. that was supposed to be mine..  
 
I hate that i wasn't good enough, I hate that I broke my promise, to never be what drove you to stay single for long. I hate that I can't sleep, and even if I can, I don't want to.. because when I sleep, I dream, and when I dream, I dream of you and those can't be counted as dreams anymore just... nightmares.. reminders of what I've lost. Nightmares of what could have been, what should have been, and what I should have done to keep you, just plain old dreams of regret.
 
I hate that I still love you so fucking much and the existence of your love for me has evaporated.. I hate that you don't want me the way I want you, that you don't feel the same way anymore, I hate that you fell out of love with me and I'm still so.. madly.. in love with you.. I hate that it's my fault.. I hate that I'm so vulnerable with you.. I hate that I love you so much that I would literally relive it all, knowing the outcome but not caring what it would do to me just so I could experience what it's like to be loved by you again.. just to have you in my life again.. I hate that it's not even an option. I hate that it was so easy for you to fall out of love with me...
 
I hate the fact that you are the definition of my perfect girl.. I hate that I found what I was looking for but never found in every other girl, all in one.. That I found my perfect match, that I found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.. I hate that I realised why it never worked with anyone else, and then I lost it all..  
 
I hate the fact that you're so proud, I hate that I know, you're not gonna text or call or ask for me back, because you're so adamant that you don't need me in your life.
 
I hate that I know what it's like to be yours, to have you by my side, to be with you.. to be owned by you.. to see how proud you were to be with me.. and I hate that I'll never experience that feeling again
 
I hate that I'll be alone forever because, after you there is absolutely nobody better.. there's no upgrade, or "better luck next time", theres no fish in the sea that could compare to you. You are that once in a lifetime girl.. that once in a lifetime kinda love..  

I hate that I won the war.. I mean, it's quite obvious.. I loved you more..
 
I hate knowing that you're going to move on and find someone else, who's better for you, who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and loves you the way you deserve to be loved. Someone who cherishes you and spoils you and never let's you feel like you're alone in it.. you'll look at him the way you used to look at me, you'll laugh at his dry jokes and smile continously in his presence.. you'll never let him go, you'll want to be in his presence all day, every day. He'll get to cuddle you and kiss you.. and he'll get to feel what it's like when you fall in love with him.. he'll get to experience what it's like when you tell him that you love him for the first time.. you'll plan a wedding with him, and put together a set of goals, and plan a family together.. you'll do everything that we were meant to do..  
 
 
With him..  
 
And there's nothing I can do to stop that..  
 
 
I hate that..
 
 
Earl Evans