To desire love is to silently die...

This is becoming too much.
I'm being held up by this desire just to be loved.
It's foolish, I'm older now I should be over this uncomfortable feeling of trying so hard to please them and accepting that love isn't free it's earned by being only the best you can be
But I don't want to fight for a spot anymore I want to rest, I thought I had passed the test but it's clear to me that I didn't.

You don't love me and it kills me
These thoughts in my head sometimes they confuse me.
I'm better off where I don't leak any of my toxic juices on my family
I am tired of being the burden that surrounds me.
I want to go to the edge of the pool and drown it out of me
Kick rocks and go safe and soundly
What bothers you about me, it surrounds me.
"Not good enough for your love" now it drowns me.
I can hear your voice telling me to let go cause I'd be doing you a favor
Sometimes it takes more for me to breathe than it would for me to walk off this cliff and save you from me and my danger.

But my mind becomes filled with anger
You told me to die and I almost complied
Not thinking about all the people that I'd have to leave behind that I'd have never gotten to say goodbye to.
I'm blind too
Look at all the people you've lied to
"Yeah I'm alright" is just a response you slide to?
What if something happened to you?
Could you explain it to these kids too?
Explain what was so bad that you decided to leave them too?

You may not love me but I love you and regardless of how uncomfortable this may feel
I'm allowed to heal.

Forgive me for being a pill, I won't become this mentally ill that you can continue to control my will.