Confessions of a suicidal person

People think that being suicidal means that you want to take the rope of life and tie it to the ceiling, wrap it around your battered soul and disconnect,
 or take a bullet to your already fractured mind and watch the gunpowder fly,
 but what happens when your suicidal plan isn't that grand?
 What if it's flat and dull like the heart inside of your soul? What if every fractured breath you breathe is telling you that the world would mend itself without you in it?
What happens when you're walking across the street and you wait 10 seconds before you walk away from the cars, hoping that one might forget to break?
They might not see you
You might be invisible for a split second.
See, I'm not suicidal per say, I don't write out letters, or send out warning signs, I don't spend my day plotting my ending
Life isn't this catastrophic disaster, life is beautiful and it's full of wonderful magic
Sometimes, I just feel like people would be better without me in it.
Sometimes I feel like I deserve to die
Like I don't deserve this body
Like I don't deserve to bleed from the scars of my own making.
See it's not that life is too much to take
Its that Im not worthy enough to give back
I lack the adequacy and strength to not be a waste in this wonderful place.