deepundergroundpoetry.com
Heritage outlook
The piles of ore the tunnels bore
Smoking chimneys now devoid
That golden age, now exhausted resource
Time and tide has weathered one
Features blends with craggy lines
Soon to be reclaimed
That blot, that abandoned mine
Slowly collapsed on life's skyline
Resting, morphing in settled respect
Towards mother earth
The sliding shale of that neglect
Was painted on my landscapes canvas
Where work, not beauty claimed advantage
No shame, a contentment in the spoils dark face
Smoking chimneys now devoid
That golden age, now exhausted resource
Time and tide has weathered one
Features blends with craggy lines
Soon to be reclaimed
That blot, that abandoned mine
Slowly collapsed on life's skyline
Resting, morphing in settled respect
Towards mother earth
The sliding shale of that neglect
Was painted on my landscapes canvas
Where work, not beauty claimed advantage
No shame, a contentment in the spoils dark face
Published 23rd Dec 2019
| Edited 29th Dec 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 5
reads 376
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
23rd Dec 2019 3:53pm
I love places like this, Slip. You've captured the imagery perfectly in so few words.
Because you've requested honest critique, I would suggest the following: firstly, always run a spell check. I've corrected the words in parenthesis below. I've also suggested you remove a few words to tighten up the verse in brackets.
The piles of spoil the tunnels (bore)
Smoking chimneys now devoid
That golden age and (exhausted) resource
Time and tide has (weathered) one
Features blends with (craggy) lines
Soon to be reclaimed
That blot, that abandoned mine
Slowly (collapsed) on (life's) skyline
Resting, morphing in settled respect
Towards mother earth
The sliding shale of that neglect
[The my] was painted on landscapes canvas
Where work(,) not beauty claimed advantage
Other than that, slip, I absolutely loved this. Of course I love history, particularly that which has been long since abandoned in our cultural development, like the Great Gold Rush.
Because you've requested honest critique, I would suggest the following: firstly, always run a spell check. I've corrected the words in parenthesis below. I've also suggested you remove a few words to tighten up the verse in brackets.
The piles of spoil the tunnels (bore)
Smoking chimneys now devoid
That golden age and (exhausted) resource
Time and tide has (weathered) one
Features blends with (craggy) lines
Soon to be reclaimed
That blot, that abandoned mine
Slowly (collapsed) on (life's) skyline
Resting, morphing in settled respect
Towards mother earth
The sliding shale of that neglect
[The my] was painted on landscapes canvas
Where work(,) not beauty claimed advantage
Other than that, slip, I absolutely loved this. Of course I love history, particularly that which has been long since abandoned in our cultural development, like the Great Gold Rush.
23rd Dec 2019 10:49pm
thank you so much for the critique and feedback I tend to write very quickly and spontaneously on the draught page and post. My very poor English and grammar which you have kindly highlighted, detract from the gravitas and overall competence in presentation and readability. I will edit as recommended Regards SLIP
23rd Dec 2019 10:54pm
You're welcome, slip. Your writing has really improved so much it's amazing. You've really applied to the discipline of poetry.
24th Dec 2019 3:47am
This is really such a symbol of age and time, the haunting image of a vacant mine and the story it tells under the surface for those who search..
24th Dec 2019 8:54am
Thanks PR The mine theme, contained reference is two fold it is a metaphor of my (mine own life) as the competition was to reference your choice of landscape to yourself So glad you saw some "depth" in it and glad you enjoyed it Regards SLIP
