The mind of a struggling adult

What is love. Do you see touch feel or know love?
Is it substantial. Is it enough? This word floats from cavern to cavern.
In the past this word was worth its weight in gold. Now we see the word used with the intent of a paperweight.
The word escapes the cavern under intoxication of the soul. Do we really love.
Do I know or feel love. This uncomfortable feeling. When your whole life has been led without this thought feeling or emotion. How do you know, how do I know. Am I lost or just not searching properly, what can I say or do.
My so called friends laugh at the exploit. Being raised under a rock with an iron fist with the notion that tough love is best.
Is this true or just a window for them to justify their abusiveness. Where am I going where is this going do I know do I want to know. Can I ever bounce back to be a positive member of society who is normal.
What even is normal and do I want that.
I can’t shake the feeling that my upbringing has caused me to be permanently damaged.
 Are these words a cry of the soul or just a reflection of permanent ruins, ruins that can’t be restored.
These people all around you are surrounded by love hate jealousy lust hate hate hate, all it is really is hate.
We hate existence and reality so we sugar coat ourselves with love to make it bearable and enjoyable.
Can we say existence is enjoyable. Every day people are released from this joy and find another of permanent peace.
Do I want that. Is that what the void in me calling towards. But the people id hurt. Do I care. I love them. Do they really love me. Do I really love them. Have I ever been loved. Would they care. I'm almost curious to see the care.
Should I should I not. What’s stopping me.
Would my peace really just be joyful and help others. I'm a burden. I know. Maybe I should just leave and call it a day.
I deserve this. No no. I won’t I can’t. It’ll never happen. Well that’s fine.  
I’ll always be here waiting, watching ,wanting. You’ll never forgive or forget me. Your life will never be the same.
Will you ever be truly happy. Figure it out. Maybe you need help reach out and talk. No I can’t. I won’t. I can’t trust anyone.
 We should trust more and be open. How about her she always says she'll listen.
Ok but will she really or is she just saying that. How can we really know. No one can be trusted. WHY WHY WHY. Why am I like this. Look at your ruin in shambles. Will you ever know if you don’t clean up the mess. How will you know without help. You need help get help. Can't you see you're being destructive. No it defines who I am and I must keep this inside of me..............