deepundergroundpoetry.com
Solemnity Among The Ruins
for Leah Marie Kozak 1987-2018
Communing with the dead as if
as if
as if they had form and function
in an all-good greeting card heaven............
purveying "answers" and comforts
of our own invention,
creating "God" in Our Image.
Sorry my dear child......I cannot "go there".
I won't make as if the world is not finite,
and that I am above the pain of your loss.
that i am above the primal grief that now
tears apart my very being.
If it would do "some good", i'd pray to be able to "do it" and play God,
as humanity done since God was born to us as
The Answer for all the limitations of heart, soul, mind.
The complexities of this immense sorrow are beyond what "our thinking"
is capable of curing via conjuring.
Nonetheless, i love you as much as any fool among us can do. I am so
sorry I couldn't make this world a more habitable place
for your gentleness and humor.
I am sorry with the sorriest sorrow I ever could imagine,
and must accept that grief
til the End of my days
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
2019dkzkdankozakpoeticwondermentinword&form2019
Communing with the dead as if
as if
as if they had form and function
in an all-good greeting card heaven............
purveying "answers" and comforts
of our own invention,
creating "God" in Our Image.
Sorry my dear child......I cannot "go there".
I won't make as if the world is not finite,
and that I am above the pain of your loss.
that i am above the primal grief that now
tears apart my very being.
If it would do "some good", i'd pray to be able to "do it" and play God,
as humanity done since God was born to us as
The Answer for all the limitations of heart, soul, mind.
The complexities of this immense sorrow are beyond what "our thinking"
is capable of curing via conjuring.
Nonetheless, i love you as much as any fool among us can do. I am so
sorry I couldn't make this world a more habitable place
for your gentleness and humor.
I am sorry with the sorriest sorrow I ever could imagine,
and must accept that grief
til the End of my days
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
2019dkzkdankozakpoeticwondermentinword&form2019
Published 15th Dec 2019
Author's Note
Four score and seven.........
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
15th Dec 2019 7:29am
Read with sympathy in your year old loss. (From the dates I gather she was no older than 31.) The last verse makes me ask did she die violently?
15th Dec 2019 10:01am
Thank you, Sol.
Yes, 31 yrs old.
Liver and pancreas damage via alcoholism.
Yes, 31 yrs old.
Liver and pancreas damage via alcoholism.
Anonymous
15th Dec 2019 10:52am
Surely she is reading this now, wishing she could have done the same for you.
15th Dec 2019 4:00pm
As sayeth in le poom, I cannot go to that frame of mind, no matter how many millions seek their comforts in such fantasies, me no can do.
I have no choice in this matter.
To think that i think I could stem the tide of my grief/pain by constructing a telephone line to heaven, would be bottom-line blasphemy, with no God or devil to grant absolution. Maybe I'm wrong, & just cutting off my nose so's I can spit in my face, (or however the cliche goes).
If I start smacking heroin, maybe i'd be in better shape to think that way. H would make "it" go away (for awhile, (along with many other "recreational", and pharmaceutical goodies), I god knows if i might not take that path anyway. Or, drink myself to death in honor of her "way outta here". There's no "skype" to the here'after. If there is, i can't fckn afford it, Even in the XMAS fckn SALE season.
Well, maybe I misread you intention in that remark.
Ive actually had a person (stranger to me) offer to "teach"me to pray in a way proper to have contact with my "loved one". I asked if it would require a seance. "No, no. Not necessarily". Luckily was not in a mood for jousting. Never arguing is part of my "spiritual" life, but i do slip every now and then. Perhaps writing this is "a slip".
Well, anyway, I politely thanked her & didn't wait around for a phone#. If she wasn't 100+ lbs overweight, maybe I would have--------- & regretted it sorely. Ha.
"They say" that the more i write about it, the closer I'll become to finding peace and acceptance. Maybe. (without Jesus, God, and Hallmark), maybe ''they're" wrong. Or is it right? Jeez, i;m so far-gone, I can't choose my polarities.
Bad news !!!!!!!!!
I have no choice in this matter.
To think that i think I could stem the tide of my grief/pain by constructing a telephone line to heaven, would be bottom-line blasphemy, with no God or devil to grant absolution. Maybe I'm wrong, & just cutting off my nose so's I can spit in my face, (or however the cliche goes).
If I start smacking heroin, maybe i'd be in better shape to think that way. H would make "it" go away (for awhile, (along with many other "recreational", and pharmaceutical goodies), I god knows if i might not take that path anyway. Or, drink myself to death in honor of her "way outta here". There's no "skype" to the here'after. If there is, i can't fckn afford it, Even in the XMAS fckn SALE season.
Well, maybe I misread you intention in that remark.
Ive actually had a person (stranger to me) offer to "teach"me to pray in a way proper to have contact with my "loved one". I asked if it would require a seance. "No, no. Not necessarily". Luckily was not in a mood for jousting. Never arguing is part of my "spiritual" life, but i do slip every now and then. Perhaps writing this is "a slip".
Well, anyway, I politely thanked her & didn't wait around for a phone#. If she wasn't 100+ lbs overweight, maybe I would have--------- & regretted it sorely. Ha.
"They say" that the more i write about it, the closer I'll become to finding peace and acceptance. Maybe. (without Jesus, God, and Hallmark), maybe ''they're" wrong. Or is it right? Jeez, i;m so far-gone, I can't choose my polarities.
Bad news !!!!!!!!!
Anonymous
15th Dec 2019 4:21pm
Hey, I understand you completely. Let's say for the sake of argument you could exchange a few words. It still won't bring her back in the fashion you were both accustomed to. You still wouldn't be reunited until you yourself physically expired.
So, yeah. All you can do is grieve and dwell in a sort of Limbo while you speculate ( or not ) as to whether or not you will see her again and make the most of the life you have left with surviving family members.
We all just want you to find some peace of mind.
And sometimes, as irrational as it may sound, simply imagining being with her and what she would say to you these days might afford you a sliver of that mindful peace.
So, yeah. All you can do is grieve and dwell in a sort of Limbo while you speculate ( or not ) as to whether or not you will see her again and make the most of the life you have left with surviving family members.
We all just want you to find some peace of mind.
And sometimes, as irrational as it may sound, simply imagining being with her and what she would say to you these days might afford you a sliver of that mindful peace.
15th Dec 2019 7:31pm
May work for you, but for me, I cannot go there.
It seems a trivialization. A blasphemy to her having been here & being taken away.......
Maybe i just cannot stop punishing my self for some gratuitous reason.
Maybe my pain is what makes the only connection for me.
Maybe doing the death-fantasy seems an easy & flimsy way out, which is why most (daresay "normal") folks go that way.
Maybe my guilt at not giving her the tools of "making it in the real world"....couldn't give'em, cause i guess i never had 'em to give.
Maybe my guilt at not having been there when she most needed me.
My selfishness at being 1000miles away, cavorting on a fckn beach, while she suffered the torment of whatever it was that drove her to drink herself to death.
Maybemaybemaybe bla'bla'blah.
Thank you guys for caring.
It seems a trivialization. A blasphemy to her having been here & being taken away.......
Maybe i just cannot stop punishing my self for some gratuitous reason.
Maybe my pain is what makes the only connection for me.
Maybe doing the death-fantasy seems an easy & flimsy way out, which is why most (daresay "normal") folks go that way.
Maybe my guilt at not giving her the tools of "making it in the real world"....couldn't give'em, cause i guess i never had 'em to give.
Maybe my guilt at not having been there when she most needed me.
My selfishness at being 1000miles away, cavorting on a fckn beach, while she suffered the torment of whatever it was that drove her to drink herself to death.
Maybemaybemaybe bla'bla'blah.
Thank you guys for caring.
