Pages torn from a hustler's journal: 2

The charge that music has over me when I write feels like a cloak that settles upon my shoulders, wakes up a part of my mind that used to play when I was 15. I suppose all time is one time and being able to journal, time travel back to then is a useful hat trick, as I can then re-write episodes of my youth, borrow the lessons and tools as though I was watching them on YouTube and then turn those episodes and their insights into my favorite new memories to revisit. Enough grinding and repeating on that pattern and every time I hear my Abbreviated Zeppelin list, my mind will wake up and be inspired. I don’t know how far writing can take me. Maybe there’s no money in it. Maybe there’s money in it. I intend to finish Misbehavioral Economics and publish it as an eBook, then a few others. I intend to keep journalling, drop my album and get some open mic time in as well. Next month return to battle rap scene. Make it past Round 3 this time. Get warmer, get a rep, try open mic stand up comedy by the end of 2020. Maybe there’s nothing but courage, social savvy, integrated vision and higher learning in writing. That’s the kind of back pocket trick I would hope to pick up in Grad School had I ever gone. Kinda hard to finish undergrad on the freebird path. Everyone was right. They don’t give degrees for majoring in married women. But damn, that’s miles of pages palmed from the experience, miles of nuanced intersections crossed. Style of the hidden city. It’s everywhere. Since I was little I always liked to secretly figure out the nuanced tricks of the trade that only veterans know and then sharpen my mind with those secret tools. Doesn’t matter that the trick you learned is some legal maneuver that only an accountant would care about. Doesn’t fucking matter. You sit on that for long enough and eventually it’ll come in handy, if only as an analogous cantilever when spitballing solutions sometime. Ultimately the Limitless moment, the NZT trick that’s become so much a part of my brand identity as Captain On the Spot comes from loving those nuances, that grind and never ceasing the education thereof. If writing can’t yield me renumeration quid pro quo, it certainly manifests value the same way jiu jitsu and philosophy and working out and strategy does, in the daily transformation and maintenance. The human body and the human life is a project, a constant endeavor. The reason nobody wants to be a project (some do) is because then they have to admit that they’re broken. So many winners though take on coaches and teachers for fitness, health, business, psychology, speaking, dating. It’s okay to be a project because it means you’re taking your life course seriously. If you don’t take a coach you can take teaching and direction and instruction, as long as you don’t balk and push back about learning. It can be hard for some to submit to learning, to change, direction, but that’s what keeps those ships in the same direction. The inward and outward direction of writing and music and philosophy is so expansive and inclusive that I keep describing it as Ouroboros Chorus. That’s the direction I like. The All Direction.
 
 
 
It isn’t just that I’m happier without a girlfriend in my life. It’s that I’m happiest when women come and women go and I am pursuing my own life hard enough that a girlfriend can’t provide much more than sex, companionship, domestic support/kids. I can find the familial chamber and fulfill my need for parental contribution, set my constitution thereof, as a man tends to do when he hits middle age and has an excess of life experience, compassion and long term vision. I don’t need to change the dynamic I have with Cherish and Max and Evan, just stay the course, I will spend the next 10 years helping Max to grow, making sure he gets the right lessons, has positive support, a listening ear, an uncle who will help him out with learning how to channel the intense masculine strength coursing through his veins, and to guide him through the pitfalls of manhood, to show him how to excel and properly use that animus in constructive and helpful ways. There is so much that happens between boyhood and manhood and having a street sage who is skilled in seeing situations from many angles can help that boy with illumination and foresight. The next 10 years will be well spent if I continue to spend every Sunday helping Max to become a good man. I can find female companionship pretty easily as well, and in great abundance. It’s important to seek out the best company for myself and I’m very judicious that the women I surround myself with are educated, well-read, well-spoken, working, healthy, fit, witty, open-minded, agreeable, independent, original and savvy. This is the L.A. woman, the woman I grew up admiring and thinking of when I think of Woman with a capital W. That and Venus of Willendorf, Jane Seymour, Linda Carter, Sarah Connor, Betty Shabazz and Ripley. I can find sex and the sex that I have with fine sex kittens, nymphos, my female kind fulfill a deeply spiritual and intensely animal side of my life. When my sex life is on, my everything is on. I don’t need a girlfriend to make me complete and whole, because I am complete and whole. I never bought into that shit Tom Cruise was spitting in Jerry Maguire. The more complete I am, the less I need a woman, the more I can bring to a relationship of any kind, the more present and whole I can be in that moment, the more enriched my journey becomes, the more prepared I am at any moment to meet my death, the more every breath tastes righteous, the more my writing flows, the better Jiu Jitsu and sex and comedy feels, the clearer my thoughts are, the steadier the rain of wit, the deeper my connection to my higher self, the more thankful I am to exist, the easier it is to forgive, the more I see the hurts of the past as important stepping stones to me becoming who I am today, the more the journey feels boundless, non-dual, the more I flow with the great unconsciousness, the more I feel like a character awake for just a moment, the more acceptance I have, the quieter and slower I breathe. Making love to myself
 
 
Leaving and returning is admitting that change is too hard, or that the world is too big, and can defeat you and that wherever, whatever you once faced can keep you safe from that world. There’s a tribalism that people take on with those nearest, with those who are on common purpose. If you are without tribe you are sigma, you are vulnerable, you are rogue. From that state is ultimate freedom and potential but it comes hard without support. Achieving anything requires others and being without tribe means learning how to adapt and survive, to bond and rapport and gain trust in every new situation every day. This can be exhausting unless you build upon your reputation, your legacy to carry to show trustworthiness, craftsmanship, integrity, congruence, consistency. To stack the deck and grow the toolbox and show that solid consistency ironically means not returning to situations that you leave. Not returning means striking it boldly forward, and continuing to learn to try again and try further, to adapt and do something new and apply old lessons and put on a fresh face for a fresh day and be resilient and innovative and eager. There’s a confidence in that move, a firm assurance that one is marketable, that one’s skills will show through, that ones work ethic will prove, that the future being generally a repeat of present events will be fortuitous and able to be improved. There’s a certainty behind mercurial moves that demonstrates a fortitude and adherence to improving one’s situation, getting to one’s destination and improving whatever location they’re in. Leave when it’s time to leave and don’t return. Read your Robert Greene, read your George Carlin, do your Jiu Jitsu, borrow a few hundred bucks if you have to float, get laid, get paid on the hustle, get back to roots and move on, doing you, That’s the most powerful move