Ambivalent about being Ambivalent

Why do I wish to be alone
when love sits along
side me,
cuddling deep?

Perhaps because
my company
is needed
but not wanted,
because in the
wanting there is a desire
in the knowing
of the other.

Skin to skin
Warmth to warmth
feels good, comforting
But a cold ocean
of distance often
separates my world
from hers and I
can't draw her
over to my island
to keep me
company.

I see the magic in her
but she rarely sees
it in me.
She just lets me be
often not seeking to
see the world I see

I will not command
her attention.
I may ask, but I shall
not command
when it runs lax.

Unequal, its always been
from woman to woman
flowing, never
knowing the me
that is truly me.

My fault? Or theirs?
I'm sick of asking
that question
for either answer would hurt
As I sit on the couch
next to her
feeling miles apart.