deepundergroundpoetry.com
possessed sleepwalker
I awake from a deep slumber
by a presence so chilling
though I search, my eyes can't see
but my ears bothered by sounds of heavy breathing
"hello is any body there"
I call out in the mist
of the silent night
I return to a horizontal position
on my bed
this presence hasn't left
sheets covering my head
heart uneasy
eyes become heavy
I seek comfort in my sleep
everything now blurry
demonic and scary
a world in distorted view
tainted in red and blue
I’m walking out some strange room
through the hall
my walking is obscure for I stumble and fall
that uneasy presence once again strikes me
it speaks but with words unclear
"what are you doing...go back to your.."
I’m scared and afraid
the spirit coming ever so closer
I tackle this spirit
with all the strength I can gather
getting it down to the floor
I punch it harder and harder
swinging and swinging
with rights and lefts
not going to stop till this spirit is dead
I awake the next morning next to my mother
in a pool of blood
by a presence so chilling
though I search, my eyes can't see
but my ears bothered by sounds of heavy breathing
"hello is any body there"
I call out in the mist
of the silent night
I return to a horizontal position
on my bed
this presence hasn't left
sheets covering my head
heart uneasy
eyes become heavy
I seek comfort in my sleep
everything now blurry
demonic and scary
a world in distorted view
tainted in red and blue
I’m walking out some strange room
through the hall
my walking is obscure for I stumble and fall
that uneasy presence once again strikes me
it speaks but with words unclear
"what are you doing...go back to your.."
I’m scared and afraid
the spirit coming ever so closer
I tackle this spirit
with all the strength I can gather
getting it down to the floor
I punch it harder and harder
swinging and swinging
with rights and lefts
not going to stop till this spirit is dead
I awake the next morning next to my mother
in a pool of blood
Published 26th Dec 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 26th Dec 2011 6:04pm
26th Dec 2011 6:02pm
Hi TLIFD,
As you requested "honest critique” above I hope you will be pleased to know, I spent some time working on your poem and offer this honest opinion…
The absolute lack of punctuation and bad line breaks make for vary hard piece to read, which is one thing but with all the spelling errors and strange grammar its near impossible to work out what the hell the piece is actually about.
What ever happened to the basic story line?
You gave us no hook to start us off, no essence to keep us reading and no line of reference to work from.
However I think the first step would be to make it readable… I made notes below, if you fix those and then ask me too, I’ll come back and help you with the other issues mentioned above.
Do you have Microsoft word on your computer? If you do why don't you spell check your work before you publish?
i awake from a deep slumber <-- Why a submissive “i” through out - it is not a submissive piece? while “slumber” is a lovely word, I think sleep would work better, it is after all what you mean.
by a prsence so chilling <-- spelling note “presence”
though i searh, my eyes can't see <-- Type O “search”
but my ears bothered by sounds of heavy breathing <-- my ears "are"?
"hello is any body there"
i call out in the mist
of the silent night
i return to a horizonteal position <--spelling “horizontal” position
on my bed
this presene hasn't left <-- spelling note “presence”
sheets covering my head
haert uneasy <-- what word is this? hart , hurt or heard?
eyes become heavy
i seek comfort in my sleep
everything now blurry
demonic and sarry <-- spelling “scary”
a world in destorted veiw <-- Type O’s “distorted” and “view”
tanted in red and blue <-- Spelling: Tainted
i'm walking out some strange room
through the hall
Al.
P.S.
Bra, oppas hier die mense dink engilse is die beste taal in die vereld, hulle sall jou nie lees nie, as jy nie die worde reg skryf nie.
As you requested "honest critique” above I hope you will be pleased to know, I spent some time working on your poem and offer this honest opinion…
The absolute lack of punctuation and bad line breaks make for vary hard piece to read, which is one thing but with all the spelling errors and strange grammar its near impossible to work out what the hell the piece is actually about.
What ever happened to the basic story line?
You gave us no hook to start us off, no essence to keep us reading and no line of reference to work from.
However I think the first step would be to make it readable… I made notes below, if you fix those and then ask me too, I’ll come back and help you with the other issues mentioned above.
Do you have Microsoft word on your computer? If you do why don't you spell check your work before you publish?
i awake from a deep slumber <-- Why a submissive “i” through out - it is not a submissive piece? while “slumber” is a lovely word, I think sleep would work better, it is after all what you mean.
by a prsence so chilling <-- spelling note “presence”
though i searh, my eyes can't see <-- Type O “search”
but my ears bothered by sounds of heavy breathing <-- my ears "are"?
"hello is any body there"
i call out in the mist
of the silent night
i return to a horizonteal position <--spelling “horizontal” position
on my bed
this presene hasn't left <-- spelling note “presence”
sheets covering my head
haert uneasy <-- what word is this? hart , hurt or heard?
eyes become heavy
i seek comfort in my sleep
everything now blurry
demonic and sarry <-- spelling “scary”
a world in destorted veiw <-- Type O’s “distorted” and “view”
tanted in red and blue <-- Spelling: Tainted
i'm walking out some strange room
through the hall
Al.
P.S.
Bra, oppas hier die mense dink engilse is die beste taal in die vereld, hulle sall jou nie lees nie, as jy nie die worde reg skryf nie.
26th Dec 2011 7:13pm
thanks ALIP yes i know my spelling is bad and i would apperciate it if you would edit my work bfore i publish it thatnx once again,yes i would like everybody in the world to understand my work so i hope you don't mind if i PM you my next work and if you would check to see if everything is okay
Anonymous
26th Dec 2011 9:04pm
Dude! Now you talking! the other changes are great too. Its a whole different poem! Well done.
@ thanks - none necessary, and you are welcome anytime "bruva from anoda mudda"!
@ thanks - none necessary, and you are welcome anytime "bruva from anoda mudda"!
