Self-destruct

You’re Welcome

You’re welcome for my childhood. You used it well. I realize now that I let you take it.... You’re welcome for my young adult years. You don’t even know this, but I gave those years to your memory. You weren’t even a part of my life, but I let you control every decision, action and relationship that I made... And you’re welcome for my present, because even though I know now what I didn’t then, I still can’t seem to live... And I’ll even go head and say, you’re welcome to my future. I can seem to do nothing but to keep offering you my life. You’re welcome for never holding you accountable. You’re welcome for the family and loved ones that I will probably never have.

Thank you

While I’m at it, allow me to thank you too. You left just as much as you took. So, thanks for the self-worth. I learned my value from you. Thank you for the lesson in dependence. I’ve been self-medicating since I was seven. Mostly I’ve used food as a coping mechanism, but I won’t leave out the years that I used drugs and self-harm to stay the pain. Thank you for all the space. I’ve become really good at pushing people away. You might get a kick out of this, but I can’t even let people sit by me on most days because my walls are so thick that it makes my skin crawl to have someone that close.

Credit where credit is due

I cannot give you all the credit; I have to admit my own role in all of this.... I mean there are tons of people who suffer worse things and they are perfectly functional people. I didn’t even recognize my behaviors and how it all came back to those moments with you until last year. So that’s a thing. I can go days without giving you a thought, but my subconsious won't allow me to forget, because when I don't think about it, I dream it. And I have never been able to engage in any form of dating or relationship with out the use of drugs. Actually I am pretty sure that any attention from a guy triggers the fight or flight mode in my brain. I associate love and attraction with danger, and I have almost no control over it, it’s like deep in there... And on days like today I have to turn my music on so loud that my ears hurt just so I can’t hear the voices in my head that scream at me end it.