Chemicals

’ve got these chemicals inside my brain and they’re doing some funny things.

They keep me laughing on my best days and they make sure I forget my rain coat during the bad times.

I’m not sure you know what I mean when I say I’m not a meteorologist. I just never know when it’s going to storm or if I’m going to need the shades. You feel me?

I’m always guessing and checking, but not like that 8th grade algebra class, I’m just trying to make it.

But the people around me, they think I’ve got it made. The thing is I’m just getting through the day. I work with tenacity, maybe I’ll get another degree. Possibly another piece of paper will give me an intellectual insight to why I am the way I am?

You see, I am learning and these chemicals are teaching me how to juggle, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get it. I’m just another clown without any talent.

I’m fighting for control but these chemicals just don’t wanna let go. But I fight and my therapist says I’ll win, but I think she’s just being nice. Three against one, who knows if I’m strong enough.

But I wonder what’d she say if I asked her to bet her life savings on me. This isn’t a game of old maid, this is the real deal, get your poker face ready.

I knew it all along that something inside me couldn’t be repaired. Duct tape the brain and call it a day. People just wanted to tell me to feel better and to work on being happy. Easier said than done when the voices inside are screaming that you aren’t worth a dollar.

Nobody wanted to listen when I said I didn’t think I was going to make it, they just wanted to tell me I’m fine.

But being fine doesn’t work when fine is just a way to say you’re not okay. Little did they know that inside the plan was ready. The date was set and the bags were packed and as they say “hasta la vista.” I just didn’t want to feel all those feelings, some of you will get it, others will say “You’re crazy, you should just be happy!”

And they don’t get it, these chemicals are jumping around inside my brain. They jump and jump and jump and jump and they jump and they jump and I can’t breath and they jump, and please help me I can’t breath, and they jump, and they jump, and I’m struggling to see through the tears in my eyes, and they jump and the jump and they panic sets in, “will I ever be normal, will this kill me?” and they jump and they jump and I’m nauseous with anxiety, and they jump and they jump and I’m ready to punch the wall beside me, and they jump and they jump until their legs give out.

My mind is in pain trying to make it across that balance beam. Damn, that cerebrum needs to know it doesn’t know how to walk yet.

My brain is learning how to sing that song, the one that calms the storms. It shouldn’t audition for American Idol unless it wants that 15 minutes of fame. Stinging like a bee is funny and all, but not when you’re the guy who singing out of desperation for a chance at a better life. I’m no Lady Gaga, I’ve got no voice in this game.

But for some reason those chemicals decided to take a break, and thank God, because this lightbulb was about to burn out.

I’m just thankful for this one small moment I’ve got some stability. I’m not feeling a thing but balance. It’s good to know that just for today my brain isn’t trying to kill me and maybe in this moment I am normal. Hell, I feel like me again.