deepundergroundpoetry.com
Dark Candle
We ran away from our mother Galaxy
Thought all we needed was you and me
Our fate was always etched in supernova tragedy
But we didn't want to share our twin energies
A glowing star, your mass exceeded mine greatly
Your itty bitty dwarf who only shined brightly for thee
But the closer we orbited each other, the faster we spun
Burning from the inside out until the final limit won
Brighter than any light, I invited you into me, my sun
Binary was too far, we needed to merge and be one
Science would reveal to none what was now to come
Dark energy a mystery of what we could become
Our laws are created greater than any known to the past
Let's swim within each others code, the same swirling dark mass.
Thought all we needed was you and me
Our fate was always etched in supernova tragedy
But we didn't want to share our twin energies
A glowing star, your mass exceeded mine greatly
Your itty bitty dwarf who only shined brightly for thee
But the closer we orbited each other, the faster we spun
Burning from the inside out until the final limit won
Brighter than any light, I invited you into me, my sun
Binary was too far, we needed to merge and be one
Science would reveal to none what was now to come
Dark energy a mystery of what we could become
Our laws are created greater than any known to the past
Let's swim within each others code, the same swirling dark mass.
Published 19th Oct 2019
| Edited 25th Oct 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 6
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 22nd Feb 2020 6:45am
25th Oct 2019 12:05pm
<< post removed >>
25th Oct 2019 5:54pm
25th Oct 2019 4:06pm
This is a lovely metaphoric compilation inclusive of both the physical and spiritual essence of Love.
Because I do want to honor your request for honest critique, I'll offer the following:
Firstly, I love the couplet format. Couplets and tercets are my favorite two styles of strophes. Secondly, I am not crazy about the centered format for long lines, as it makes it somewhat difficult to read. Lastly, I would suggest you comb through each line and ask yourself if you really need that word? Or, that one? For example, taking the first two couplets:
We ran [away] from our [own] mother Galaxy
[We] thought all we needed was [just] you and me
In this couplet I have removed the redundant, e.g. - ran suggests away from/our suggests own
I have also removed extraneous, i.e. - we is used three times in the couplet, and just is just ( no pun intended ) unneeded.
Our fate was [always] etched in supernova tragedy
But we didn't want to share [with others] our twin energies
In this one I have removed extraneous and redundant, e.g. - always and with others ( as not wanting to share suggests with others ).
This is how it would read if you took my suggestions:
We ran from our mother Galaxy
thought all we needed was you and me
Our fate was etched in supernova tragedy
But we didn't want to share our twin energies
Remember that all honest critique, with the exception of proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation ( unless intentional for purposes of dialect ), are merely the opinions of those sharing. Time is a gift, so when someone takes the time to offer you critique based on your request, they feel you truly want to improve your writing, thus are helping you reach that goal. Whether you choose to heed that advice is completely up to you.
Thank you for sharing.
Because I do want to honor your request for honest critique, I'll offer the following:
Firstly, I love the couplet format. Couplets and tercets are my favorite two styles of strophes. Secondly, I am not crazy about the centered format for long lines, as it makes it somewhat difficult to read. Lastly, I would suggest you comb through each line and ask yourself if you really need that word? Or, that one? For example, taking the first two couplets:
We ran [away] from our [own] mother Galaxy
[We] thought all we needed was [just] you and me
In this couplet I have removed the redundant, e.g. - ran suggests away from/our suggests own
I have also removed extraneous, i.e. - we is used three times in the couplet, and just is just ( no pun intended ) unneeded.
Our fate was [always] etched in supernova tragedy
But we didn't want to share [with others] our twin energies
In this one I have removed extraneous and redundant, e.g. - always and with others ( as not wanting to share suggests with others ).
This is how it would read if you took my suggestions:
We ran from our mother Galaxy
thought all we needed was you and me
Our fate was etched in supernova tragedy
But we didn't want to share our twin energies
Remember that all honest critique, with the exception of proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation ( unless intentional for purposes of dialect ), are merely the opinions of those sharing. Time is a gift, so when someone takes the time to offer you critique based on your request, they feel you truly want to improve your writing, thus are helping you reach that goal. Whether you choose to heed that advice is completely up to you.
Thank you for sharing.
25th Oct 2019 5:50pm
Haha i think I need to take some time speaking with you Ahavati. Your knowledge on different poetry styles far exceeds mine. I agree with most of what you said. I usually write directly what comes into my head and edit the piece to a certain rhythm with little thought to alternatives, so I appreciate the feedback. Honesty is attractive, dont ever justify the need for it, love :)
25th Oct 2019 6:05pm
As someone who has gotten her head bitten off by quite a few who have requested ( but are not ready for ) honest critique, I tend to remind the new ones that it's just a freaking opinion that they requested. LOL!
Glad it could help you out.
Glad it could help you out.
25th Oct 2019 7:08pm
Haha how about I bite your head off if you lie. See, we'll be good :) I meant what I said, critique till your hearts content please!
