I ate well for the first time in 4 years

My yes my body .. guess I'm awakening alot.

Battled an eatin disorder I didn't realise I had , for years battling something I never knew was there.

A silent war , a silent mind.

How it all become so loud just trying to make a sound.

Trying to eat , maintain.

It started with school and getting fat , I let go of bullies and ridicule , never did I bother me.

Yet I was defeated by my insecurities.

I don't want this fat on my body , it became an obsession.

I didn't eat . I didn't sleep.

Then I just ate a sandwich a day. I couldn't speak.

I slept alot , then I ran.

And I kept running .

I defeated the disorder for my sisters and my mother , they've always been so body conscious.

Admired mine but they don't understand or didn't.

The mental fight , I didn't have control of.

Looking back now , it knocks me sick , wanting to over eat or not eat.

Kicking off like a child at food made for me I didn't like , felt no one knew me.

It was all my own fight and my pride kicks me like the hand full of chocolates I ate before I wrote this.

My mind battled from self awareness of past self and self now and self to be.

It's agony but the right mind set , eating right but so sad at the lost sight.

When I got pregnant I began to eat , I got a love more than myself , I had a reason to be healthy and care for my self.

I still do and the music of that shines through everytime I make my baby food or do anything for him.

He saved me from a battle I didn't realise I was in , until I become unwell again now.

Yes now but it's as good now , now I know not to fall into what kept me so low.

I've defeated the dark body image that tormented me , the pride that stuck it to me like glue.

The sickness I'm aware of , it grits my body and I feel the empty pit of just having water and a sandwich.

How could I not seen the warning signs , exercising not eating , no socialising.

Running from ant interaction that could point out my problem , over eating , under eating.

A personality in my head , murdered and nursed to bed.


I was murdered.

I was butchered.

I was left alone.

Yet I ate.

And I finished the damn plate.