A fine clown

I say I'm fine
Even though I just crave wine
More than just a kiss
More than just touching the lips
But don't worry, I'll continue to say I am fine
I won't whine
 
Some days I wish death could just take me away
For from this pain I feel each day
As the jaws of reality bite my ass
I wished today I smoked something more than just this grass
But it's fine I'll no longer talk about drugs
I'll pretend I'm not part of the thugs
 
Today I watched as the earth waved as the sea and buildings moved like currents
 
It's not funny when you are the one wearing costumes and masks  
People laughing at you face, you are a clown
Fuck, why is the world upside down
I guess I need to book for another session
And listen to some new thesis of confusion
Why the fuck can't they understand me
Why can't the world just let me be
 
I am not sick
It's just that it's hard to be sane without my daily kick
Sorry, I said I won't talk about drugs
I'll try not to remember what happened in those clubs
 
It's sad to hear a qualified shrink psychoanalyze me to say I fear death
When each night I pray that God takes away my breath
Life is unbearable,  
                               sometimes I feel like screaming, crying, shouting
Telling the world I am tired of drowning
But I can't,  
                    no one cares anyways
So I pray instead for better days
 
It is sad to hear that I am the cause of all this pain to myself
I should just tuck away all these memories  
                                                                            and neatly pack them in my inner shelf
Never visit them again
Never remind myself of the pain
Maybe these creatures of the night will not haunt my dreams anymore
And I will never have these hallucinations I abhor
 
I always wish to sleep and never wake up
Go to heaven and look at God in the eyes close up
Say I am sorry for all that I did
I'm willing to accept eternal burning for all my misdeeds
But I am afraid I might not find a God at all
I might find out that there is nothing more to death than just darkness after-all
 
I wish I did not have to see a shrink to tell me I am abnormal, "special"
 
I feel like a monster just without horns and grime
I feel like a clown in my life without words, just mimes
I feel like I am watching someone else living my life
But don't worry, I will continue saying "I am fine"