Running Water

Little ol on the spectrum me,
trying to be something I am not,
a mother.

How do I? What do I do?
There's a human, a son
he needs affection
not deflection
yet why is it beyond me?

I haven't grown since 15,
stunted, emotionally
and sadly this is all I can be
I've tried, I think.

Not sure of the right time
to reach for a hug so I don't
I talk shit because I am good at it
words are all I have, they are not enough
and break people.

The last time I hugged my best friend
was the day we found her dad dead
01-03-2016 even then I felt odd,
yet by watching the world I knew
that was when human touch was needed
 
I wish i could feel something other
then "get off me"
when I try, I feel fake.

I dont remember hugging or hanging
off my own mother or anyone for
that matter.

I know I love, I just dont touch to show it
and that hurts people around me.

I love my son. I just wish I knew how to
love easily instead of just saying
"I love you" they need more than that.

I give him everything I can but stuff
ain't shit when all they want is a hug.