deepundergroundpoetry.com
No Shortfall of Tears In This Silent Room
A room. Once all about music. Silent now,
for over a year.
Every thing (I've) ever done now seems
folly.
The silent room where the housebound
griever has been left behind, crawls with
memories of she, the child, who left this
world
so soon.
Death is everywhere all about us. We choose
not to look until forced to. People losing their
children every day. Thousands upon thousands
per dreadful hour.
I have no god to fantasize on, who will contrive
to bring peace to this place where death is the
only thought for a feeble mind's thinking. ( My own
fault? Some would say...)
As tragedy , sorrow, pain, "make the world go'round"
from some awful, hidden place (of soul?), where any
air is so thick to be breathing on. "My world" has never
been so jaggedly shattered,
so wholly lost and pointless.
Things will never be as they used to be.
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2019dankozakpootery+orig'nalBadFotos ||||||||
Published 29th Aug 2019
Author's Note
for Leah Marie....now deceased, (as in dead). My daughter.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 21st Oct 2019 5:45am
29th Aug 2019 11:08pm
<< post removed >>
31st Aug 2019 3:02pm
Thank you for your substantive comment.
This has certainly been the most devastating. It triggers a hitherto unimaginable emptiness. Nothing i've experienced in 7 decades of breathing even comes close. Then, of course, there's my heart problems which leave me constantly fatigued.
I've lost interest in everything. Playing music, listening to all manner of recording going back to the earliest of recordings. I had (recently gave away 3000cds recently....There's 1000s more)......i have no desire to listen to anything. Ain't touched my saxes in 14 mos. now. I began playing in 1976, & rare has been a day whent that i haven't played for at least 1/2 hour.......i never imagined being able to achieve such a level blankness about everything.
Lucky for you guys (ha), i was able to painfully resume this written diddling, the effort for which now just stupid shit.
Doing anything "normal" in life is getting more & more undoable. Hell, i'm a freekin "shut in". I put off going for groceries for days on end. Going out is an enormous undertaking. I hate the crowds, the over-the-top materialism, that is so pervasive....moreso'round here, (Florida).....i don't know how long i can go on like this.
I'm sorry. Enough pissin'n'moaning. It's horrific. I can't go 20minutes without thinking of her, & weeping....every damn fckn day. Fckn STOP already!
This has certainly been the most devastating. It triggers a hitherto unimaginable emptiness. Nothing i've experienced in 7 decades of breathing even comes close. Then, of course, there's my heart problems which leave me constantly fatigued.
I've lost interest in everything. Playing music, listening to all manner of recording going back to the earliest of recordings. I had (recently gave away 3000cds recently....There's 1000s more)......i have no desire to listen to anything. Ain't touched my saxes in 14 mos. now. I began playing in 1976, & rare has been a day whent that i haven't played for at least 1/2 hour.......i never imagined being able to achieve such a level blankness about everything.
Lucky for you guys (ha), i was able to painfully resume this written diddling, the effort for which now just stupid shit.
Doing anything "normal" in life is getting more & more undoable. Hell, i'm a freekin "shut in". I put off going for groceries for days on end. Going out is an enormous undertaking. I hate the crowds, the over-the-top materialism, that is so pervasive....moreso'round here, (Florida).....i don't know how long i can go on like this.
I'm sorry. Enough pissin'n'moaning. It's horrific. I can't go 20minutes without thinking of her, & weeping....every damn fckn day. Fckn STOP already!
Anonymous
- Edited 21st Oct 2019 5:45am
31st Aug 2019 5:03pm
<< post removed >>
31st Aug 2019 9:44pm
Not just yet.
Once a month, i'm given a modest stipend from the Jazz Foundation of America in exchange for playing a 30-40min gig a a local nursing home, playing a'capella flute. JFA is a charitable org dedicated to helping out burnt-out & broken jazz, blues. & R&B musicians who are going under. I've got 20 yrs worth of serious heart disease & heart failure. I shoulda been dead long ago, (maternal heritage with mother dear, & her parents who both were dead before 50. Both of heart disease. I've had numerous "silent" heart attacks that shoulda killed due to under- diagnosis. Took 4 hosopitalizations in seven months. Major emergency cardiac surgery was required for them to finally "get it right" with sextuple bypass open-heart surgery which they were doubtful i'd awake from.
15 years of "miraculous" recovery, then a rather serious Afibrillation problem.. It took'em 3 "proceedures" to convince that they ha to "go all the way" & install two machines in heart, Your regular pacemaker + a difibrualtor, attached to yr heart to shock you back to "life". The original a'fib "procedure requires killing the heart tissue which is misfiring.
Since then i have had to live with chronic cardiac fatigue, making it impossible to function even remotely "normally"even in the simplest "everyday" human functions...........then, my daughter dies as a result of alcoholic circumstances, as i;m about to fucking celebrate 30 years sobriety........I may as well terminate before things.
O shit....there i go again....telling more to a stranger than anyone needs to know. peace&blessing onya!
Once a month, i'm given a modest stipend from the Jazz Foundation of America in exchange for playing a 30-40min gig a a local nursing home, playing a'capella flute. JFA is a charitable org dedicated to helping out burnt-out & broken jazz, blues. & R&B musicians who are going under. I've got 20 yrs worth of serious heart disease & heart failure. I shoulda been dead long ago, (maternal heritage with mother dear, & her parents who both were dead before 50. Both of heart disease. I've had numerous "silent" heart attacks that shoulda killed due to under- diagnosis. Took 4 hosopitalizations in seven months. Major emergency cardiac surgery was required for them to finally "get it right" with sextuple bypass open-heart surgery which they were doubtful i'd awake from.
15 years of "miraculous" recovery, then a rather serious Afibrillation problem.. It took'em 3 "proceedures" to convince that they ha to "go all the way" & install two machines in heart, Your regular pacemaker + a difibrualtor, attached to yr heart to shock you back to "life". The original a'fib "procedure requires killing the heart tissue which is misfiring.
Since then i have had to live with chronic cardiac fatigue, making it impossible to function even remotely "normally"even in the simplest "everyday" human functions...........then, my daughter dies as a result of alcoholic circumstances, as i;m about to fucking celebrate 30 years sobriety........I may as well terminate before things.
O shit....there i go again....telling more to a stranger than anyone needs to know. peace&blessing onya!
Anonymous
- Edited 21st Oct 2019 5:45am
31st Aug 2019 10:30pm
<< post removed >>
