unable

i am unable to escape
to the place you ran off to deeply
instead my eyes stay plastered to this phone
this meaningless man-made thing made for greed and
communication graveyards
and pain
yet in my darkest hours, i need it
i needed it in my hand
just for the possibility of an escape from emotion
that some picture or some video could put the smile on my face that i am unable to place
how is this man-made thing, controlling my facial muscles
what a mess
but here i am
another night where my face is puffy
eyes are red
lips trembling
the fan buzzing is the only thing that seems to stay constant
pretty soon i'll have to get rid of it
before it becomes eerie too
but nights like this
i swear
nights like this
i wish i could run outside and flood the streets with these tears
although i'm all cried out, eyes dry and tingly
but i can't seem to close them, to escape
nights like this, man
what can i do to ease it
what walls do i have to vandalize
what glasses do i have to throw
and watch break into pieces as scrambled as my mind feels
what person must i fight
what sex must i have
to make these feelings go away
i swear i'd give the world to the person
or the thing
or the god
or the witch
who reveals my release
please show that path to me
'cause i'm losing myself these days
these days i seem so unworthy
of acquiring anything that i desire
anything that i need
things have been unnecessarily hard
and if your Christian god exist,
i must say, he's the cruelest