deepundergroundpoetry.com
Sex and Sex and Sex
Do sex and sex and sex fill up the mind
Entirely, when you settle down to read?
It seems that sex and sex and sex inclined
Deep-seated sins of lust. Such is the need:
For it's with sly delight, I plant each word,
Though you protest at how slowly I thread
This sex and sex and sex; is it absurd?
It builds a vertigo within the head.
I may seem dizzy, but are you obsessed
With penetrative insights of my form,
This sex and sex and sex might interest,
The doctors of neurosis, who aren't torn:
They've seen the words I've sent and have no doubt
that sex, sex ,sex is all we think about.
Solomon 777 - stop stealing my verses, you piece of garbage.
Entirely, when you settle down to read?
It seems that sex and sex and sex inclined
Deep-seated sins of lust. Such is the need:
For it's with sly delight, I plant each word,
Though you protest at how slowly I thread
This sex and sex and sex; is it absurd?
It builds a vertigo within the head.
I may seem dizzy, but are you obsessed
With penetrative insights of my form,
This sex and sex and sex might interest,
The doctors of neurosis, who aren't torn:
They've seen the words I've sent and have no doubt
that sex, sex ,sex is all we think about.
Solomon 777 - stop stealing my verses, you piece of garbage.
Published 1st Aug 2019
| Edited 2nd Aug 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
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comments 7
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Aug 2019 00:32am
that be true sex is on everyone's minds day and night even as we sleep no way one can not stop of thinking of sex that the beast in us all
2nd Aug 2019 1:59am
2nd Aug 2019 3:20am
Anonymous
- Edited 21st Oct 2019 5:45am
2nd Aug 2019 4:19am
<< post removed >>
2nd Aug 2019 10:56am
SweetO, I’m enjoying the premise of your sonnet; the treatment is clever; a delight.
ATM - If I was feeling a bit stronger, I would brave a critique more in the round as you’ve requested. But being that it’s more like 2AM here, I am concentrating on and will address the envoi for now if I may.
The envoi should always be a clean break, the closing thought to the sonnet. In this case: S3, L4 spills and continues right into the envoi. Below is a suggestion for making that clean break, and also corrects the syllable count as 10/10;
“Inform them of my words; there is no doubt,
That sex sex sex is all we think about.”
Mind you, this means S3, L4 now also needs to be fixed since it no longer trails off into the envoi.
If you’re interested in any suggestions pertaining to the main body of this sonnet, please feel free to pm me.
ATM - If I was feeling a bit stronger, I would brave a critique more in the round as you’ve requested. But being that it’s more like 2AM here, I am concentrating on and will address the envoi for now if I may.
The envoi should always be a clean break, the closing thought to the sonnet. In this case: S3, L4 spills and continues right into the envoi. Below is a suggestion for making that clean break, and also corrects the syllable count as 10/10;
“Inform them of my words; there is no doubt,
That sex sex sex is all we think about.”
Mind you, this means S3, L4 now also needs to be fixed since it no longer trails off into the envoi.
If you’re interested in any suggestions pertaining to the main body of this sonnet, please feel free to pm me.
have amended the envoi along the lines you suggested - thank you for your thoughts. It's an old poem I've revived so probably needs several more gentle kicks to get it in order
2nd Aug 2019 9:48pm
