deepundergroundpoetry.com
All Because Of My Innocence
Place a battered hand on my innocence,
It's been 5 years but a scar never leaves,
A closed mouth pleads the best for help.
All my life I've been speechless only because when
I lift up my shirt and I can still see your handprint
Everyday
I still face what is the false indication of love, never got a hug but a hard closed fist.
All because of my innocence.
MH.
Published 6th Jul 2019
Author's Note
Thank you for reading. I would love your feedback.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
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comments 1
reads 398
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Hello
Firstly, welcome to the DU and thank you for sharing this poem. It triggers strong emotions and can tell the writer knows what he's talking about.
I thoroughly enjoyed the read.
In terms of critique you asked for, I do feel that your style choice detracts from the flow of the poem, which then takes some of it's punch out of it.
I reckon if you tried shorter, strong lines that flow into each other, you'd make it's message knock harder in the read.
This is just an example, of what I mean...
The battered hand
placed on my
innocence.
Permanence in
a 5 year old
scar
that never leaves,
my shut mouth
pleading
in tears
for help.
I've been speechless
everyday
while lifting my shirt
it's your
handprint
I face
The false indication of love
a hard closed fist
in the name of
a hug.
I sincerely hope that my suggestions help you and that this was the type of feedback you were hoping for.
All the best to you.
Well done on this beautifully vocal content.
Al
Firstly, welcome to the DU and thank you for sharing this poem. It triggers strong emotions and can tell the writer knows what he's talking about.
I thoroughly enjoyed the read.
In terms of critique you asked for, I do feel that your style choice detracts from the flow of the poem, which then takes some of it's punch out of it.
I reckon if you tried shorter, strong lines that flow into each other, you'd make it's message knock harder in the read.
This is just an example, of what I mean...
The battered hand
placed on my
innocence.
Permanence in
a 5 year old
scar
that never leaves,
my shut mouth
pleading
in tears
for help.
I've been speechless
everyday
while lifting my shirt
it's your
handprint
I face
The false indication of love
a hard closed fist
in the name of
a hug.
I sincerely hope that my suggestions help you and that this was the type of feedback you were hoping for.
All the best to you.
Well done on this beautifully vocal content.
Al
