Cold plump water beads rolling off patio umbrellas in a rainstorm

Am I madness,  
pissing down the shower drain?  

comatose world standing deathly still  
canvased in stolen teal  
 
envelope postmarked in obsession?  
crease me like a 6th grade love note  
marked "yours truly".  
 
emerald leaves glisten  
nestled between oak and dogwoods  
drinking  
lapping up fallen darkness  
 
pleading my innocence to a gaveled courtroom jury of me?  
would I wink at juror #9?  
 
huddled in picked twig brown bark nests  
chickadees fight off the chill of night  
yellow pliable paper beaks screaming for mothers food  
screaming for creation  
 
cult cream deity of my best beast nightmares worshipped death;  
enshrined in vintage clothes, indie rock, and suicide gods.  
 
this old rickety wooden deck below absorbs  
 
drowning  
in the grimy green rot of ugly history  
of ugly desires in my cold fucking heart  
 
I see me now  
and what I've become  
 
I don't like it  
nor wish to be as ignorant as I had been before  
 
stalemate