Im scared

I want to write but i can already feel a wave of anxiety. what if i dont like how it turns out? i know the logical thing would be to say that from failure their is growth but i cant help feeling that everything i do will never be good enough. i cant seem to control my own damn mind. i wish that i knew what to do. i feel like i float about waiting for the next thing to come along and save me. then just when i get back on my feet it leaves and im left drowning again. at this point i wish that an accident will take me so that i can be saved without having to do any of the work.
i am sick of feeling this way. but this time it feels different to the other times somehow. this time the emptyness feels deeper and more vast. i can feel with each breath my chest constricting, tighter and tighter. im scared that it might crumble completely, and in the same moment i hope it does.
im vulnerable and hurt and broken and i think this is an admission of me needing help more than ever before.
i am alone
i am scared