Is This Offensive Enough For You?

    
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Dateline Sea of Galilee 2019: A report just in.    
   
 The second coming of Christ nearly ended in tragedy today    
When Jesus tried to re-enact his walking on water trick,    
A spokesman said everything was going to plan but    
His disciples all forgot about the holes in his feet,    
Ironically, the coast guard was there to save him    
   
.................................film at 11.00    
   
Dateline Jerusalem 2003: Miracles Shmiracles We need some nostalgia.    
   
Trying to give his tricks a modern twist    
Jesus was arrested after breaking a mans legs    
And forcing him to get down his bed and lie in it,    
 A spokesman said Jesus was being victimised by    
The authorities and whilst the trick wasn’t as good    
 As the healing one, at least this one was entertaining and funny    
   
.....................film at 11.00    
   
Dateline Nazareth 2019: Sermon on the Mount expose.    
   
Jesus decided today to investigate the rather strange way    
That the Catholic Church had interpreted certain scriptures    
Such as: “suffer the little children come unto me.” Had been    
Changed to, “Suffer the little children cum on to them.” And    
“A man who lays down with a man should be stoned.” To    
“A man priest who lays down with a boy should be stoned.    
The dugs really help.” Jesus also question the Catholic version    
Of the Sermon on the Mount, simply referred to    
The Sermon Mounted    
Several disciples tried the Catholic version and sodomised    
All the boys in the Vatican Boys Choir.    
A spokesman for the Vatican excused their behaviour, saying,    
“I heard the choir sing, they needed fuckin!”    
   
.......................................................................... Film at    
   
Dateline Canaan 2003: News just in: Jesus and the disciples take the piss.    
   
 Jesus and his gang of longhaired hippie hoodlums gatecrashed a local    
Wedding today when they turned up without invitations and were stopped    
Initially by security. Peter got his machete out and slashed off the bouncer's ear    
Jesus despite being the worse for drink said No Peter sheath thy shord, shay not a fing,    
For I shall shurly heal thish man or my name ishint Jeshush Crisht,” he promptly    
Stuck the man's ear back on using crazy glue and duct tape Jesus was reported    
As saying "Take two tabletsh from the arc of the covenant and call me in the morning."    
They then snuck into the wedding on the doorman’s deaf side. But were eventually    
Thrown out for upsetting the guests by turning six barrels of wine into urine,    
And, verily, merrily, all the wine was drunk. Judas also created a scene by offering 30 pieces    
Of silver to do the bride up the tailpipe. The bridegroom demanded at least 50    
As she wasn’t Catholic, sixteen and therefore still a virgin. Paul was there to calm the    
Situation down by whispering to Judas, “she’sh the wrong shexsh and way    
Way too old, sho you should shave you 30 peashiesh for shomething  elsh.”    
The father of the bride said on camera, "Shit that aint a miracle any drunken    
Fuck can do that",    
   
....................................film at 11.00    
   
Dateline Rome 2003: And finally    
   
Jesus had an audience with the pope today and was annoyed to have to stand in line, even    
Behind the likes of David Beckham, the McCann’s and the second coming of Mother Theresa.    
Things finally went wrong when Jesus uttered the immortal line,    
"Hey, you wrinkly ole pervert get your ass outta my fuckin chair",    
A spokesman for the Vatican said the pope was just keeping the    
Seat warm for him,    
   
.............film at 11.00