deepundergroundpoetry.com
Can't hold out
I can’t take it much longer
This unbearable silence
The distance between us
The lack of the violence
I can’t hold out much longer
If I can’t grasp your wrists
If I can’t smell your longing
When you fight to resist
I’m losing this battle
Of mind over body
Of your body before me
Reckless and naughty
If not for tomorrow
I would not want to live
Before I present you my gift
That I so forcefully give
This unbearable silence
The distance between us
The lack of the violence
I can’t hold out much longer
If I can’t grasp your wrists
If I can’t smell your longing
When you fight to resist
I’m losing this battle
Of mind over body
Of your body before me
Reckless and naughty
If not for tomorrow
I would not want to live
Before I present you my gift
That I so forcefully give
Published 28th Nov 2011
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Anonymous
28th Nov 2011 9:44pm
Hi Scorbra. At last, a poem from the dom's perspective. The tone is surprisingly tender and I wonder (with a sense of genuine curiosity) if you are indeed a dom or just a dabbler intrigued by the idea (I'm currently embroiled in a discussion about the Dom/sub relationship at one of my own poems here)
On a more technical note, I should declare up front that I'm not a fan of rhyming meter for most subjects and this one seems a particularly unlikely candidate for this treatment.
However, read slowly and with deliberation, the first two stanzas sound okay. However, the third stanza, no matter how you read it, clunks badly with the forced rhyme between 'body' and 'naughty'. Ouch!
And then the meter falls apart in the 4th as you try to shoe-horn too many syllables into the closing couplet, adding insult to the injury by contriving 'so forcefully give'.
Sorry Scorbra, this is an object lesson in the tyranny on rhyming meter. But a worthy effort and I enjoyed it anyway. R.
On a more technical note, I should declare up front that I'm not a fan of rhyming meter for most subjects and this one seems a particularly unlikely candidate for this treatment.
However, read slowly and with deliberation, the first two stanzas sound okay. However, the third stanza, no matter how you read it, clunks badly with the forced rhyme between 'body' and 'naughty'. Ouch!
And then the meter falls apart in the 4th as you try to shoe-horn too many syllables into the closing couplet, adding insult to the injury by contriving 'so forcefully give'.
Sorry Scorbra, this is an object lesson in the tyranny on rhyming meter. But a worthy effort and I enjoyed it anyway. R.
29th Nov 2011 4:24pm
redTbird,
Thank you for giving me some honest and useful feedback. Many poems are written in the heat of the moment and submitted, others are mulled over for weeks before laying them out for others to consider. In either case, I have to agree with you that rhyming is a bit grade schoolish and forced, a habit I am trying hard to break. Your feedback is invaluably honest and accurate. You are the first to really dissect and breakdown the elements, which means, you actually read it! Please review more of mine when you get a chance. I would love to get more of your insight. It can only make me better! I will certainly be reading yours as well. Thanks again.
Scorbra
Thank you for giving me some honest and useful feedback. Many poems are written in the heat of the moment and submitted, others are mulled over for weeks before laying them out for others to consider. In either case, I have to agree with you that rhyming is a bit grade schoolish and forced, a habit I am trying hard to break. Your feedback is invaluably honest and accurate. You are the first to really dissect and breakdown the elements, which means, you actually read it! Please review more of mine when you get a chance. I would love to get more of your insight. It can only make me better! I will certainly be reading yours as well. Thanks again.
Scorbra
