All My Convictions

All my convictions
Go down the drain,
Though I banish these thoughts never to return again.
But they always come back
And go back around again.
All my decisions
Are meaningless lies,
Though I tell myself to stick with them despite what may arise.
But I always give in
And go through the cycle again.

The tension from the effort tears my body apart,
But what else is left to do when I can’t hear my own heart?
If only I knew
What my heart knows,
Then I could see.
If only I could
Follow through,
Maybe I’d break free.

Convictions really seem so strong,
With all their egoistic strength:
I daydream of their permanence and willpower at length.

But situations then change,
Forget decisions and say oh well.
Instances happen,
Believe just as strongly in something else.

All my convictions don’t mean a thing
When I’m on a roller coaster that pulls me around in a ring.
And as it pulls me along,
Suppress the feeling that what I do is wrong.

All my promises are draped in insincerity.
I crave sincerity from him, but there’s not a drop of it in me.
If I could make up my mind,
Sincerely leave all of this behind…

All of my plans somehow fail to go through,
Though I tell myself, that’s it, from this point on I won’t move.
Easy to say at a low,
But here comes the high tide and back we go.

The sick games we all play
Just to fulfill our fantasies,
Fill our rotting minds
With this sickeningly sweet disease.
Walk around blind,
Attach ourselves to whoever we find.
Get broken apart,
Break someone else with my own shallow heart.

A slave to my desires,
I humbly follow in their wake.
They numbly plow ahead;
Must be attention here to take.
Steal what looks that you can,
But your heart ends up right where it began.

All my decisions go down the drain,
I turn my back on them when I find something else to gain.
Back and forth, in between,
Never as permanent as the moment may seem.

All my convictions are meaningless lies,
They change in an instant by a glance from your eyes.
Completely out of control,
But I love the ride, so I let it roll.

Cheap thrills, the frills that lace themselves around his every glance.
Break out the chills I love my heart to feel by random chance.
I’m dependent on this,
But the fantasy ends with a kiss.
A responsibility so great,
Our fragile bones would snap under the weight.

Don’t know our weight,
But we’d refuse to feel it if we could.
And the fun of flirting ends
When we suck it dry of blood.
Now you’re empty;
I’m done.
Time to move on to another one.
As we leave, here one lies;
The wounded victim of our starving, selfish eyes.

And as I lay there at night,
I felt there a small, sudden fright.

I felt my conscience betrayed
By the mistake that may one day be made.

Betrayed, you know why –
For a love…that may just be a lie.

A plan engraved on my heart,
From which I’ll never be able to part.

 I felt my conscience betrayed –
For just a fantasy I hoped to have played!

For a wish I write in my book;
An entire world built around one special look.


March 2005