Selfishly smitten with the fallen angel next door

Creativity seeped from her skin.                                
A butterfly with high tide blues, windows to within.                                  
She often caught me peeking in, but she'd never care.                                  
A view she knew I may not see again, she gladly shared.                                  
A cat like awareness, her words danced like feet could never dream.                                  
She sat next to me in math, we made each other laugh at 16.                                  
                                 
Years later I'd reminisce, while I passed her smoking in the streets.                                    
Stuck living with her sisters in a tiny house attracting heat.                                  
Out of all of us, she was the one that should have made it.                                  
I should have told her to be patient and not so easily persuaded.                                  
Beautiful skin, electric vibes, a giggle that'd light the world up.                                  
Lately she'd been looking thin, stuck inside, lighting whatever was rolled up.                                  
                                 
That day I looked up and there she was, glancing in my direction.                                    
Before I could cross the street, she did something unexpected.                                  
I heard her beckon, she called my name and waved for me to come over.                                    
I hadn't talked to her since math, we were now five years older.                                    
Realizing that I may have judged a little harshly from a distance,                                  
as I got closer, my heart started pumping, fire up the pistons.                                  
                                 
I was nervous at first, but then she hugged me and squeezed.                                  
She spoke softly and elegantly, which put me at ease.                                  
Perhaps there was hope and her sisters hadn't dragged her past no return.                                  
I looked in her eyes, then back to her raised smoke, as it idly burned.                                  
I did my best to make her giggle, a satisfying endeavour,                                  
then it started to rain and she dragged me in and out of the weather.                                  
                                 
What is it that got you so down?                                  
                           
Did something happen, was this all over some clown?                                  
                           
Whether it was love, loss or life, I think your sadness is going around.                                  
                           
Where's the girl I used to know, I suppose I can only reminisce now.                                  
                                 
Her room on the second floor, overlooking our childhood park.                                  
She was overlooking herself, I had another chance to tell her how smart..                                  
To tell her how rare, how special.., she cut off the thought and sat me down on the bed.                                  
She ran her fingers through my wet hair, my face was turning red.                                  
She said she'd be back in a second, I started preparing all I might say.                                  
She came back with a plate of coke and a straw, and snorted away.                                  
                                 
I'd never done it before, I'd never even seen it.                                  
She was meant for so much more, she took the plate and then cleaned it.                                  
She told me not to worry, that there was more, and reached in her pocket.                                  
At first I was unsure, but she was so magnetic and pure, I just couldn't stop it.                                  
We stayed in the room for hours and that was it, I was hooked.                                  
I'd just spent the day with an angel watching her blue tides come and go, a day for the books.                                  
                                 
I saw her again the next morning, then almost everyday of that week.                                  
All I wanted to say, lost in my brain as we banged and we tweaked.                                  
A summer I'd never forget, like her slender silhouette, cast upon the shower curtain.                                    
Burned through my chequings, started into my savings, just to save her from hurting.                                    
All the while, a voice and a smile, that'd make Aphrodite jealous.                                  
We were in too deep, were the words her sisters were always trying to tell us.                                  
                                 
Minutes used to turn to hours, as we held each other close,                                  
my whole world froze, each time I saw blood drip from her nose.                                  
She'd assure me it was nothing, then hit a bump and pass it along,                                  
I'd take the hit like a champ and then we'd hump to some of her favourite songs.                                  
Not so long ago, I was sick to my stomach that she'd become such an underachiever,                                  
here I was supplying her with drugs and in love, hating that it'd kill me to leave her.                                  
                                 
What is it that got you so down?                                  
                           
Did something happen, was this all over some clown?                                    
                           
Whether it was love, loss or life, I think your sadness is going around.                                  
                           
Where's the girl I used to know, I suppose I can only reminisce now.                                  
                                 
I saw that she was hurting, I ached at times too, but pain became alluring.                                      
Sex and drugs numbed the blues, as good and bad were blurring.                                  
Still, she could say the simplest things, that'd make me pause just to love her.                                  
They were becoming less often, but these words made me feel I was peeking under her cover.                                    
They told me that somewhere under, was that same giggling girl.                                  
The girl who's words danced, the girl destined to inherit the world.                                  
                                 
Months went by, still in love and flying through drugs, money and such.                                  
I felt happy and proud, she was the sun in my clutches.                                  
My beautiful duchess, the one I wanted to fly, who I never planned to hold down.                                  
Her soul sore, her home a hell, still the place we were bound.                                  
She'd always send me out to make scores, at times she rarely opened her door.                                  
She was withering, and I'd been her supplier, her lover, her ceiling, her floor.                                  
                                 
Still, there were good times to be had, in those white tinted lenses.                                  
I told her I never wanted her sad, she was my air and I meant it.                                  
I did my best to keep her challenged, after all I was lucky to have her.                                  
If we got too heated, I'd leave, I'd pace the streets and regather.                                  
She was my reason, the only person who mattered.                                  
I hope I treated her right, but I know I could have done better.                                  
A shooting star I fell upon, she was my words, my every letter.                                  
                                 
I had gone to the store, and when I returned it was her sister I saw.                                  
A solemn face whispered sorry and I started to bawl.                                  
I should have stuck to my plan, she could have done anything that she'd liked.                                  
Now I feel less of a man, having passed her the knife.                                  
She was intricate and stubborn, her presence held edge.                                  
If I saw more than I wanted to see, I may have seen how close to the ledge..                                  
                                 
What is it that got you so down?                                  
                         
Did something happen, was this all over some clown?                                  
                         
Whether it was love, loss or life, I think your sadness is going around.                                  
                         
Where's the girl I used to know, I suppose I can only reminisce now.                                  
                                 
When she overdosed I couldn't believe it,                                  
I was gone when she broke and now I'm left with the pieces.                                  
The warnings her sisters had spoke, forever running through my head.                                  
If they had been heeded, my best friend may not need to be dead.                                  
I agreed to see her, with the best of intentions,                                  
now she's gone and I'm a cause, I wish I could leave the dimension.                                  
                                 
Accident or suicide, something we'll never find out.                                  
I hope I was enough for you, but I do have my doubts.                                  
Your appetites were large, whether you knew it or not.                                  
I looked at you and saw a stomach empty, tied into knots.                                    
Your high tide blue eyes gave away the vastness within you.                                    
I should have kept on walking that day, or at least told you the truth.                                  
                                 
Under my thumb, never knowing that your thumbs were larger than mine.                                  
That summer I had my second chance, but spent it supporting your high.                                  
Now you're lost in the sky, a coat of paint over my eyes and I am empty.                                  
I barely even tried, how could I...? Now you're gone and your sisters resent me.                                  
I don't blame them, though I wish they'd ease up just a little.                                  
But they'd seen the same spark I had, even back when you were just little.                                  
                                 
I don't expect your forgiveness, but please accept that I'm sorry.                                  
If I could do it again, I'd nurture your blessings and not the hurt we were forming.                                  
You were the best of us, I'm going to love you forever.                                    
Watch over me please and in return, I'll try my best to get better.                                  
To your sisters, I'm sorry for all the grief that you're stuck with.                                  
My deepest regret is that I kept her pedestal secret, while she slowly destructed.                                  
I knew that to let her know, may have been to let her go,                                  
so I took the feeling and tucked it.                                  
I was smitten and couldn't dismiss, my selfish reluctance.                                  
The truth is you were a rocket, hard to keep up with.