deepundergroundpoetry.com
bid me a few seconds, monsieur or madame
Excuse me for a moment,
let me wallow
in what was out of anyone's control.
Remember when we held each others
hair back in the bathroom
and let the world fall from our eyes,
when we caught stars
on the tips of our tongues in the cold, in the dark,
when things weren't wrong;
because I do.
I remember smiling
and knowing that all that had happened
and that all we didn't want to happen
wasn't important
in our moment of scrawny leaves
falling off your roof.
Ironed sheets and white out
won't fix this one.
let me wallow
in what was out of anyone's control.
Remember when we held each others
hair back in the bathroom
and let the world fall from our eyes,
when we caught stars
on the tips of our tongues in the cold, in the dark,
when things weren't wrong;
because I do.
I remember smiling
and knowing that all that had happened
and that all we didn't want to happen
wasn't important
in our moment of scrawny leaves
falling off your roof.
Ironed sheets and white out
won't fix this one.
Published 23rd Nov 2011
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likes 6
reading list entries 1
comments 4
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23rd Nov 2011 7:07pm
last stanzas often tend to be the ones that leave us amazed and satisfied. this one is no exception
keep it up :)
keep it up :)
Anonymous
28th Nov 2011 2:26am
I really like this, Kameron. My favorite lines
"and let the world fall from our eyes,
when we caught stars
on the tips of our tongues in the cold"
It's nice how it's not too mopey, but it still has a very nostalgic feeling to it. And I agree with opheliac, the last stanza finalizes everything, although if it were me I would leave it at "in our moment of scrawny leaves / falling off your roof" because I believe that line is strong enough by itself, but either way this is lovely. :]
"and let the world fall from our eyes,
when we caught stars
on the tips of our tongues in the cold"
It's nice how it's not too mopey, but it still has a very nostalgic feeling to it. And I agree with opheliac, the last stanza finalizes everything, although if it were me I would leave it at "in our moment of scrawny leaves / falling off your roof" because I believe that line is strong enough by itself, but either way this is lovely. :]
29th Nov 2011 11:18pm
You've got some good things going on here. There are a lot of concrete images that lend a good visual sense of the poem to the reader.
Things like, "held each other's hair back..."
and, "the tips of our tongues..."
Good job, keep it up.
Things like, "held each other's hair back..."
and, "the tips of our tongues..."
Good job, keep it up.
30th Jan 2015 6:49am
Quite interesting, although I didn't get it much (that's probably my lack of knowledge on context), but I still liked it none the less. I encourage you to continue with your poems.
