deepundergroundpoetry.com
Did you hear?
Did you hear the church bell break,
the bomb that shook Syria,
the boy crying under the rubble?
Have you heard the caravan of footsteps,
the bodies falling,
the gas hissing?
Did you hear the screams
of virgin Indian girls,
the chains of concentration camps
in Cuba, China
the refrigerator reverberation
in vacant Venezuela,
the trash being rummaged for food,
the bellies rumbling?
Did you hear the jail cell slam shut,
the racist cop’s eyes open
when the system showed it’s broken,
truth finally spoken?
Did you hear the soldier’s flag drop,
the sound of his metal leg dragging against the pavement,
the gasp when the federal government missed their payment?
Did you hear the newspaper turning,
politicians laughing,
the money being counted
the silenced,
the speechless,
the sin?
the bomb that shook Syria,
the boy crying under the rubble?
Have you heard the caravan of footsteps,
the bodies falling,
the gas hissing?
Did you hear the screams
of virgin Indian girls,
the chains of concentration camps
in Cuba, China
the refrigerator reverberation
in vacant Venezuela,
the trash being rummaged for food,
the bellies rumbling?
Did you hear the jail cell slam shut,
the racist cop’s eyes open
when the system showed it’s broken,
truth finally spoken?
Did you hear the soldier’s flag drop,
the sound of his metal leg dragging against the pavement,
the gasp when the federal government missed their payment?
Did you hear the newspaper turning,
politicians laughing,
the money being counted
the silenced,
the speechless,
the sin?
Published 24th Feb 2019
| Edited 23rd Oct 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 2
comments 10
reads 449
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
24th Feb 2019 3:14pm
27th Feb 2019 6:59pm
I think that this poem is good because it delivers its message in a restrained way, without the use of in-your-face images and overly descriptiveness.
Gas hissing is good because of the assonance.
As suggestions:
1) ... in India is a little awkward to say, with the repeated "in", so you maybe could try some variation of "... Indian virgin girls" or "... virgin Indian girls".
2) there are a lot of lines starting with "The" which in a way detracts. Trimming some of the "The" leads to punchier lines, and then you can leave some of the "The"s for emphasis
bodies falling <---- if you swap these lines, then the gas hissing
gas hissing <---- leads to the bodies falling. however, these two lines also work perfectly well as they are.
The vacant refrigerators in Venezuela <--- might be better like this
bellies rumbling <---- swap these lines so the bellies rumbling (because of empty fridges)
trash being rummaged for food <---- leading to trash being rummaged for food
The newspaper turning
politicians laughing
money being counted
The silenced <---- Leave these lines with "The"
The speechless <---- because they give
The sin <---- emphasis
As always, these suggestions are given in the best spirit, and I hope that you find them useful.
Gas hissing is good because of the assonance.
As suggestions:
1) ... in India is a little awkward to say, with the repeated "in", so you maybe could try some variation of "... Indian virgin girls" or "... virgin Indian girls".
2) there are a lot of lines starting with "The" which in a way detracts. Trimming some of the "The" leads to punchier lines, and then you can leave some of the "The"s for emphasis
bodies falling <---- if you swap these lines, then the gas hissing
gas hissing <---- leads to the bodies falling. however, these two lines also work perfectly well as they are.
The vacant refrigerators in Venezuela <--- might be better like this
bellies rumbling <---- swap these lines so the bellies rumbling (because of empty fridges)
trash being rummaged for food <---- leading to trash being rummaged for food
The newspaper turning
politicians laughing
money being counted
The silenced <---- Leave these lines with "The"
The speechless <---- because they give
The sin <---- emphasis
As always, these suggestions are given in the best spirit, and I hope that you find them useful.
28th Feb 2019 00:55am
I wrote this quickly one morning and wanted to come back to it thank you for your help. ❤️
28th Feb 2019 9:58am
Thank you - it is a pleasure to help.
Sometimes, poems that are written quickly have an easy flow and a raw quality and strength, and it is easy to lose this with editing. At least this is what I find.
Sometimes, poems that are written quickly have an easy flow and a raw quality and strength, and it is easy to lose this with editing. At least this is what I find.
Anonymous
- Edited 12th Apr 2020 8:45pm
1st Mar 2019 6:01pm
<< post removed >>
1st Mar 2019 11:57pm
2nd Mar 2019 00:01am
Everyone hears (and / or sees / or Feels) because that is what the internet has done...
enabled for all of sentient beings to connect and realize we are all connected.
It's just that it's gonna take a long long time before we all get together and do away with money as a part of our value system.'
Love the spill and the way You spilled the ink
enabled for all of sentient beings to connect and realize we are all connected.
It's just that it's gonna take a long long time before we all get together and do away with money as a part of our value system.'
Love the spill and the way You spilled the ink
5th Mar 2019 1:51am
21st May 2019 3:00pm
Wonderful write bringing our attentions back to the horrors of war
and just how real we forget this life can be.
you had me hooked from the opening line
"Did you hear the church bell break".
you leave us praying from more with word play and begging questions like these.
well penned, keep'em coming.
and just how real we forget this life can be.
you had me hooked from the opening line
"Did you hear the church bell break".
you leave us praying from more with word play and begging questions like these.
well penned, keep'em coming.
24th May 2019 12:20pm
Thank you so much. Yea when I saw ne news reports of Syria i was horrified. No land,gold,oil, power or resource should be fought to the point of such destruction. So many innocent ppl and history in rubble. Had to vent.
