deepundergroundpoetry.com
80’s babies
We forgot we left our dreams on the top of that metal slide
right before we burned our asses
on the way down.
But we were flying,
staring at lions
or were they elephant in the clouds?
Searching for clovers in the grass
when we still believed in luck
Til we grew up
Our children won’t ever find
our time capsules
with their faces buried in their phones.
One good push
and we felt higher than those drones.
Now the swings cry
left them rusting in wind.
Oh, how I miss those dreams.
Back then we doubted nothing,
loved everyone
and everything was magical.
Damn I wish I still had quarters behind my ears
Can’t live in a sand castle.
It’s time to pay the rent.
IG: Nourish_Cruz
Published 8th Feb 2019
| Edited 9th Feb 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 4
reads 291
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
8th Feb 2019 9:54pm
8th Feb 2019 10:23pm
This reminded me of so much, and in this respect is rather melancholic; it is an effective poem. I liked the idea that our children won't find our time capsule with their faces buried in their phones.
In the lines:
But we were flying,
Wheeeeeeeee!
starring at lions
or was that an elephant in the clouds?
1) "Wheeeeeeeee!" might be better as "with squeals of delight" (and let the reader imagine their own sound)
2) Starring has too many r's and should be "staring". Additionally, the next line would sound better as "or were they elephants..."
OR
"and was that an ..."
I especially like these lines, because I remember well searching for those special clovers on the school field:
Searching for clovers in the grass
when we still believed in luck
However, "in the grass" doesn't add much, because that's where clover grows. Our childhood days are remembered with sunny affection and childlike innocence, so you could expand these two (already evocative) lines:
"searching sunny daisied-grass
for those special clovers - when we still believed in luck"
Now the swings cry
left them rusting in wind.
"cry" is perhaps too obvious. It might be better to paint a fuller picture and hint at "cry" instead:
Now the rusting swings creak
(left) swaying empty in the wind.
Which also gives a nice alliteration between swings and swaying.
"Damn" feels incongruous with the nostalgic childhood memories, but equally, it might just be me, because I am not keen on that word.
As ever, I hope that you find some of my comments and suggestions useful.
In the lines:
But we were flying,
Wheeeeeeeee!
starring at lions
or was that an elephant in the clouds?
1) "Wheeeeeeeee!" might be better as "with squeals of delight" (and let the reader imagine their own sound)
2) Starring has too many r's and should be "staring". Additionally, the next line would sound better as "or were they elephants..."
OR
"and was that an ..."
I especially like these lines, because I remember well searching for those special clovers on the school field:
Searching for clovers in the grass
when we still believed in luck
However, "in the grass" doesn't add much, because that's where clover grows. Our childhood days are remembered with sunny affection and childlike innocence, so you could expand these two (already evocative) lines:
"searching sunny daisied-grass
for those special clovers - when we still believed in luck"
Now the swings cry
left them rusting in wind.
"cry" is perhaps too obvious. It might be better to paint a fuller picture and hint at "cry" instead:
Now the rusting swings creak
(left) swaying empty in the wind.
Which also gives a nice alliteration between swings and swaying.
"Damn" feels incongruous with the nostalgic childhood memories, but equally, it might just be me, because I am not keen on that word.
As ever, I hope that you find some of my comments and suggestions useful.
9th Feb 2019 11:17pm
I well go back and put in those edits soon enough. Off to a show shortly. Thank you SeaCat. 😊🙏
