for them

none of my work is ever titled putting a name to a feeling that i am unaccustomed to explaining atleast with few words.
and as i say this my thoughts ever jumbled do run together
but this is a poem not a letter
i guess tonight i let one of them down again ,
but if he only knew how much im hurting
how bad i felt when i heard the dissapointment in his voice
i could hear in the octave that tells me ,
when i disapoint one of them,

they dont understand anything
but they shouldnt have to ,
theyre kids mine.
it their fault you got an addiction,
they would love you anyway
but you loved them by knowing
they deserved better parents than you
regardless of what kind of mom that is ,
to them they see a druggie that chooses drugs

as angered as saying that outloud  makes me
at the end of the day thats what you sleep with
know your failure stare at it in your face,
bitter isnt it makes your stomach bleed
well go ahead, let it sink in your a failure at the only thing
you truly exxcelled at.
let the air out yeah fuckin exhale no dont fuckin hypervenilate
you and you alone have the ability to stop
just suck it up stop crying
especially since those tears mean nothing
without action

cause even as i cry the next day i fuck up again
im sorry lord  for the serenity prayer
needs a littlec spot for all us moms
you know the
ones that are still your children
the ones in recovery the ones that really are up against daily
that wall keeping good parents doing the best they can
on a daily
the ones that are attacked by impatience
and guilt for the failure
at being the parents you expected us to be when we
affected poorly on young minds up to us to teach them
right from wrong among other things
like how to cope
we taught them those ones little and dependent
they needed us


their our gifts from god
so all im sayin is sometimes
we need more than serenity
so as i sit here verbally assaulting myself
i see at that moment in the mirror
a mother
trying one day at a time to do better
and even if they dont know
how the mere mention of them gets me through
not just this day but each day
is a day im closer to us being together

but if they only knew how much they mean
to me doing this right now
and without them its so hard to be strong
if those little ones knew what a burden they truly carried
in haveing us as parents
so i say right now lord please grant me serenity
to accept the things i cannot change
change the things i can and please give me strength not
to pick myself apart each day
please help me remember what i did today to be better
please let  me see that this process is a day and some days
turn to seconds at a time
help me when i hear dissapointment in their voice
not to cry for how i feel help me cry for how they must feel at
you breaking another promise.
and in your sons precious name amen
because god if you dont stand here with me right now i think that any time will be lost
i just wanna do well for them and i cant stop
the pain in my chest is so deep
it just wont on this night leave me
so please dont leave my side for im powerless over this