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Lament//Apology//Secrets (Happy. Part 2)
My name is Tryston and I have secrets. Lacey, Kaleb, and Angel have perished due to my own selfishness. I could have fought my paralysis as Wolf raped my Angel, as cop shot my Kaleb, and as Dear Mother moved us to Texas away from my Lacey. To what do I owe my life, if not them?
I expected my teen years to be quite exhausting and full of pain. Contrarily, it was full of life and happiness by comparison. Why am I happy when I lost my three closest friends? What right do I have to be happy without them? My selfishness consumes me always. After Lacey died, I experienced death 2 more times, creating a total of 12 friends dead. “Why do I still live?” I think to myself that quite often. I went on to become a writer, adventurer, and student.
Throughout my teen years, I kept to myself, too afraid to make friends. After all, I'm back in the city where it all began. My tender life became withered, jaded, cynical. “He'll never get anywhere in life.” My “friends” spill poison from their mouths. I breathe just fine in these fumes, flourishing in their toxin.
My sophomore year of high school, I started this new chapter of lonely, back in this awful city. I went to 2 Virginia high schools, each teaching me 2 valuable lessons. From the first, where I learned to write and express, I learned that people are willing to help, when they relate to your problems. As I roamed class-to-class, I meandered through poem after poem. I even took a class for creative writing that amounted to nothing. I write of truth, so what need have I for creativity? I miss Angel and Kaleb and Lacey. I write about them.
From the second, I learned that people are only your friends when you want them to be. Take what you wish from that statement, it means exactly what you think it does, Dear Reader. In my sophomore year, I started Boy Scouts. I met a girl named Ally. She was important to me but I guess I hardly even crossed her mind. One day, after I changed to sophomore school number two, she decided she never wanted to see me or hear from me again. I made a new best friend at a new school. Savannah is important to me. I wonder if she knows. I wonder if she cares. Junior year, I learned to snowboard, I spoke more french than I used to, and I found a little more of myself than I meant to. I made friends with Michael B. He was a charmer, but I need to text him. Hope he's ok. I always loved his jokes. They were stupid like mine. Boy Scouts was going well, I was only slightly behind so I could have worked more on my education. That didn't happen. I went snowboarding in January of Junior year. The second best nights of my life.
Senior year I dated a girl named Kayla who changed my life in ways she won't ever understand. Senior year I met the love of my life, and never even knew it. Even though in the end, my infidelity led to the loss of love, she still remains high in my heart. Even if she's not my lover, she'll always be my closest friend. Even if she and I don't speak much, I feel like I still hear her cries for help. I wish to God I could help. Kayla taught me to be strong and be myself, even if others don't approve. Kayla taught me that sometimes it's okay to be someone you're not for just long enough to reach your goal. I became an Eagle Scout and graduated high school that year. Each with one day to spare or I would not have made it. Kayla was my prom date. She gave me a night to remember, the best night of my life. I remember the flowers on her wrist, purple and white, my tux just slightly too big around my shoulders and ankles. Her dress perfect, except when I stepped on it. Our faces hidden behind masks, literal, perhaps figurative as well. I was nervous and didn't know what to do with myself most of the time. I introduced her to Skye who introduced her to skye's partner, a name and face I can't remember. For a minute there Skye and I danced together too. I offered them both punch. Both denied. Was it wrong to offer? Kayla's stomach hurt, which may have been related to some feminine issues so I had her sit down and I went to dance, checking on her now and then. She was okay, but I overworry. Lost love was all I ever knew. We danced together to the cheesiest song anyone ever danced to and we loved it. We split up less than a month later. Annie enjoyed every second of my regret filled heartache. Annie was my girl previous to Kayla and I left her for obvious reasons. She bled for the poison oozing from my pores. I consciously cheated on Kayla for her, because she knew I would if she offered. My low self-esteem doesn't know how to say no. Kayla never did forgive me. I wish she had. I'm okay with just being her friend. At least she's alive. I'm grateful for that much.
The following year I got a job, waited for college the year after. College was fun but I paused it. I am only just beginning my life and it's already a mess. I want to study music. I work hard and come up short when my job overtakes any plans I have for my life. When I get home I'm either asleep or blasting music, trying to sleep. No time for anything else. No energy for anything else. No pleasure in anything else. “One day I hope I sleep forever.” I think to myself quite often. My past rips at me each night, riddling me in night terrors and flashbacks, I scream for help but no one hears me. No sound comes out, I am convinced, but it echoes still in my own head. “Angel wake up!” “Kaleb I miss you!” “Lacey, what happened?”
Life has a funny way of showing you what your legacy is early on, if you open your mind to it. I am meant to write and meant to understand music in a fluency unbeknownst to this amateur. I am meant to create beauty from loss. I am meant to create even though I have never experienced beauty myself except one night at a high school prom when I truly began to understand someone I thought I knew to the fullest. There's so much more to Kayla than I'll ever hope to know.
But I suppose she doesn't know too much about me either.
Savannah once became jealous of Ashleigh for stealing me away but I think she realized I was never Ashleigh's to begin with. Ashleigh got caught up in feelings she kept only in her head. How was I supposed to know? For once I can say that I wasn't selfish, even though she accused me of such. Savannah loved me harder than anyone I ever knew but she no longer talks to me. I wonder how she is, if she has a better job now, how her husband is, how's school going. “Savannah,” I ask. “Are you okay?” she simply says yes and leaves the questions I forgot to ask unanswered. I hope she's okay.
I met a girl recently. She goes by Kiwi. She's the nicest person I have ever met. I wonder if it's a ploy. I wonder if her boyfriend would like us talking. I wonder a great many other things. Kiwi is special, even though we just met. Kiwi breathes kind air. Kiwi has no toxin. I wonder if Kiwi will die someday soon, leaving me to wonder what I did to cause it. I wonder just the extent to which Selfish Acts can reach. I wonder if she loves me in the way I do her. Alas, it is unlikely. I wonder if she suffers as I do. I wonder if she'll be able to fill the gaps in my soul. I wonder if she can bring back the pieces that are missing, hand-stitching me back together like her FrankenDoll. I wonder if she'll live against all odds. If I have a future, I want it with her. She just won't know that until she reads this. I wonder if Kiwi is thinking about me right now, even though she is at work. Why do I feel great pain when I think of her? What does life have planned for me next? Why can nobody ever answer my questions? Why do I care so deeply for this stranger?
Be safe Kiwi.
This is my apology to the following people:
Kiwi, Kayla, Ashleigh, Savannah, Angel, Kaleb, and Lacey.
Kiwi, I'm sorry for being so weary around you. I am simply afraid to lose you like every person before you. I want to save you.
Kayla, I am sorry I ripped your heart apart, threw it on the ground, and tamped the broken shards into the dirt under my feet. You deserve so much better. I want to save you.
Ashleigh, I'm sorry I never understood your true emotions. I was blind to your pain because you you kept me in the dark. I want to save you.
Savannah, I'm sorry we never speak anymore. I guess I forgot just how special you are to me in the midst of my own selfish pain. I want to save you.
Angel, I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
Kaleb, I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
Lacey, I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
I expected my teen years to be quite exhausting and full of pain. Contrarily, it was full of life and happiness by comparison. Why am I happy when I lost my three closest friends? What right do I have to be happy without them? My selfishness consumes me always. After Lacey died, I experienced death 2 more times, creating a total of 12 friends dead. “Why do I still live?” I think to myself that quite often. I went on to become a writer, adventurer, and student.
Throughout my teen years, I kept to myself, too afraid to make friends. After all, I'm back in the city where it all began. My tender life became withered, jaded, cynical. “He'll never get anywhere in life.” My “friends” spill poison from their mouths. I breathe just fine in these fumes, flourishing in their toxin.
My sophomore year of high school, I started this new chapter of lonely, back in this awful city. I went to 2 Virginia high schools, each teaching me 2 valuable lessons. From the first, where I learned to write and express, I learned that people are willing to help, when they relate to your problems. As I roamed class-to-class, I meandered through poem after poem. I even took a class for creative writing that amounted to nothing. I write of truth, so what need have I for creativity? I miss Angel and Kaleb and Lacey. I write about them.
From the second, I learned that people are only your friends when you want them to be. Take what you wish from that statement, it means exactly what you think it does, Dear Reader. In my sophomore year, I started Boy Scouts. I met a girl named Ally. She was important to me but I guess I hardly even crossed her mind. One day, after I changed to sophomore school number two, she decided she never wanted to see me or hear from me again. I made a new best friend at a new school. Savannah is important to me. I wonder if she knows. I wonder if she cares. Junior year, I learned to snowboard, I spoke more french than I used to, and I found a little more of myself than I meant to. I made friends with Michael B. He was a charmer, but I need to text him. Hope he's ok. I always loved his jokes. They were stupid like mine. Boy Scouts was going well, I was only slightly behind so I could have worked more on my education. That didn't happen. I went snowboarding in January of Junior year. The second best nights of my life.
Senior year I dated a girl named Kayla who changed my life in ways she won't ever understand. Senior year I met the love of my life, and never even knew it. Even though in the end, my infidelity led to the loss of love, she still remains high in my heart. Even if she's not my lover, she'll always be my closest friend. Even if she and I don't speak much, I feel like I still hear her cries for help. I wish to God I could help. Kayla taught me to be strong and be myself, even if others don't approve. Kayla taught me that sometimes it's okay to be someone you're not for just long enough to reach your goal. I became an Eagle Scout and graduated high school that year. Each with one day to spare or I would not have made it. Kayla was my prom date. She gave me a night to remember, the best night of my life. I remember the flowers on her wrist, purple and white, my tux just slightly too big around my shoulders and ankles. Her dress perfect, except when I stepped on it. Our faces hidden behind masks, literal, perhaps figurative as well. I was nervous and didn't know what to do with myself most of the time. I introduced her to Skye who introduced her to skye's partner, a name and face I can't remember. For a minute there Skye and I danced together too. I offered them both punch. Both denied. Was it wrong to offer? Kayla's stomach hurt, which may have been related to some feminine issues so I had her sit down and I went to dance, checking on her now and then. She was okay, but I overworry. Lost love was all I ever knew. We danced together to the cheesiest song anyone ever danced to and we loved it. We split up less than a month later. Annie enjoyed every second of my regret filled heartache. Annie was my girl previous to Kayla and I left her for obvious reasons. She bled for the poison oozing from my pores. I consciously cheated on Kayla for her, because she knew I would if she offered. My low self-esteem doesn't know how to say no. Kayla never did forgive me. I wish she had. I'm okay with just being her friend. At least she's alive. I'm grateful for that much.
The following year I got a job, waited for college the year after. College was fun but I paused it. I am only just beginning my life and it's already a mess. I want to study music. I work hard and come up short when my job overtakes any plans I have for my life. When I get home I'm either asleep or blasting music, trying to sleep. No time for anything else. No energy for anything else. No pleasure in anything else. “One day I hope I sleep forever.” I think to myself quite often. My past rips at me each night, riddling me in night terrors and flashbacks, I scream for help but no one hears me. No sound comes out, I am convinced, but it echoes still in my own head. “Angel wake up!” “Kaleb I miss you!” “Lacey, what happened?”
Life has a funny way of showing you what your legacy is early on, if you open your mind to it. I am meant to write and meant to understand music in a fluency unbeknownst to this amateur. I am meant to create beauty from loss. I am meant to create even though I have never experienced beauty myself except one night at a high school prom when I truly began to understand someone I thought I knew to the fullest. There's so much more to Kayla than I'll ever hope to know.
But I suppose she doesn't know too much about me either.
Savannah once became jealous of Ashleigh for stealing me away but I think she realized I was never Ashleigh's to begin with. Ashleigh got caught up in feelings she kept only in her head. How was I supposed to know? For once I can say that I wasn't selfish, even though she accused me of such. Savannah loved me harder than anyone I ever knew but she no longer talks to me. I wonder how she is, if she has a better job now, how her husband is, how's school going. “Savannah,” I ask. “Are you okay?” she simply says yes and leaves the questions I forgot to ask unanswered. I hope she's okay.
I met a girl recently. She goes by Kiwi. She's the nicest person I have ever met. I wonder if it's a ploy. I wonder if her boyfriend would like us talking. I wonder a great many other things. Kiwi is special, even though we just met. Kiwi breathes kind air. Kiwi has no toxin. I wonder if Kiwi will die someday soon, leaving me to wonder what I did to cause it. I wonder just the extent to which Selfish Acts can reach. I wonder if she loves me in the way I do her. Alas, it is unlikely. I wonder if she suffers as I do. I wonder if she'll be able to fill the gaps in my soul. I wonder if she can bring back the pieces that are missing, hand-stitching me back together like her FrankenDoll. I wonder if she'll live against all odds. If I have a future, I want it with her. She just won't know that until she reads this. I wonder if Kiwi is thinking about me right now, even though she is at work. Why do I feel great pain when I think of her? What does life have planned for me next? Why can nobody ever answer my questions? Why do I care so deeply for this stranger?
Be safe Kiwi.
This is my apology to the following people:
Kiwi, Kayla, Ashleigh, Savannah, Angel, Kaleb, and Lacey.
Kiwi, I'm sorry for being so weary around you. I am simply afraid to lose you like every person before you. I want to save you.
Kayla, I am sorry I ripped your heart apart, threw it on the ground, and tamped the broken shards into the dirt under my feet. You deserve so much better. I want to save you.
Ashleigh, I'm sorry I never understood your true emotions. I was blind to your pain because you you kept me in the dark. I want to save you.
Savannah, I'm sorry we never speak anymore. I guess I forgot just how special you are to me in the midst of my own selfish pain. I want to save you.
Angel, I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
Kaleb, I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
Lacey, I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
Published 4th Jan 2019
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5th Jan 2019 2:21am
