A Politically Correct Christmas Story

A Politically Correct Christmas Story

T’was the night before Christmas and St. Nick's a wreck for many reasons,
One is the fact that Mrs. Claus told him she'd had enough of him constantly working non-stop and pay no mind to her.
So she packed up and left and ran off with a mall Santa strangely named Fabio who she had been moonlighting with for some time.
She also went on Ellen DeGeneres and told the world her side of the story,
Then she started up a support group known as "Girlfriends and Wives of Workaholics
The IRS, also visited him so they could audit him, not to mention he got several citations for so many things wrong with this workshop.
And he got fined by the Feds for so many hate crimes against his workers
All that Saint Nick could do is wonder how in the hell was he ever to pay off the debts he owed, get over his broken heart all while trying to adjust living in a world that has become oh so politically correct?

Santa Claus had just found out four of the reindeer of his eight reindeer had been released to the wild by The Humane Society
Because the union declare that there was not enough diversity amongst his employees,
So, Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid were paired with two pigs, one Elk, and one Moose,
Which looked quite ridiculously stupid when riding through the air.

Also, the ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. because destroying rooftops,
So, they ordered them to be removed from his sleigh with due haste.
But eventually, his sleigh was reduced to rusting away in the garage.

And as of recently, his workers refused to answer to being called “Elves” anymore.
Instead, they prefer to be called “vertically challenged little people.”
And hired on a union human resources manager to correct Claus's biasly stereotypical perceptions of them.
As for the labor conditions at the North Pole they were allegedly condemned by the Union as stifling to the soul.
Not too long afterwards the "vertically challenged little people" sporadically up quit working for Old Saint Nick.
So, because of all of that Jolly Old Saint Nick was forced to outsource his toy making Mattel, General Mills, and Hasbro and other conglomerates.

Now as for the gifts, it was unclear as to why Santa ever continued making such out-dated toys still,
Cause the ASTM declared too many of his toys were lead-based therefore they needed to be recalled immediately.
Also, Claus couldn't make anything that might be construed as polluting the earth.
Or anything that pretended to aim and shoot, or was too violent, warlike or non-pacifistic, or that clamored or made lots of noise, or toys that were too girl or boy gender specific instead they needed to be genderneutral toys.
So that meant that Santa Claus could no longer make any cap guns, baseballs, bats, footballs, dollies, bicycles train sets and what not only because some kid could get hurt either physically or emotionally.

And according to Parent weekly soil was filled with contaminants that killed kids quickly so exposing kids to the dirt was a no-no anymore.
So instead, he was informed that making game consoles for kids was a far better idea,
Because it helped kids become distracted so their parents could take a breather and relax away from their pesky kids.
Nicholas also found out that dolls were too sexist and passe, today's modern doll needed to embody wholesome non-sexist gender neutral equality traditions of new millennials.
He also couldn't make anything that seemed to embellish a truth about reality although Disney princesses were a-okay to give away as presents to kids.
Nicholas found out also that Ken and Barbie were not exactly as famous as they used to be due to their alleged stereotypical anatomically incorrect bodies.
He also discovered that kids no longer consumed the traditional candies, sugar plums or sweets,
Not because they were terrible for the tooth but because they were not gluten-free, nut-free, soy-free, lactose-free based treats.
After finding all this out Santa Claus stood there bewildered and perplexed at the world's regression into overly sensitive nancy's who were entirely too protective over their kids by being too vocal about such nonsense idiotic ideologies.

But Saint Nick tried to be merry, tried to be gay, wherever he went.
Although he was scorned and ridiculed when he said such things because he had to be careful with that particular word these days.
At Christmas time Claus's sack was quite empty, limp to the ground, there wasn't entirely anything acceptable to be found within there to give to the kids in the age of millennials.
And since you cannot find a gift suitable for kids he instead found something special was needed, a gift that he might give to all without angering the left or the right winger's.
A gift that would satisfy young and old of each group of people from every religion, creed, every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere, even you who are reading this with no indecision.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth;
May you and your loved ones, enjoy sanity, prosperity, and goodwill toward your fellow humankind.

In the new 21st century something unfortunate happened during one of Claus's trips, after getting stuck in a chimney he sharted himself, passed out and fell ill with some sort of illness for reasons that were not known at the time.
And the folks at the home that he tried getting into I thought I found him stuck in the chimney called the cops on him.
Who only tried coming them in the first place to allegedly deliver presents to the boys and girls who were nice and leave coal for the naughty in their stockings.
And after waking up in the hospital handcuffed to the bed poor Claus found out a little too late that he had been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and COPD.
All of this was caused by the years he was eating only cookies, pastries and an assortment of sweets not to mention all of the chimneys he slid down and the pipe he smoked.

So, after Nicholas got out of the hospital he was arrested so that he could appear before a judge to determine his crimes, his mental state and whether or not he was a danger to himself or others.
In the end, the court ordered Santa Claus to shut down his workshop in the North Pole and to outsource his deliveries to UPS, FedEx, and other delivery services worldwide.
He was also to register as a sex offender with the sex offenders register nationwide.
And lastly, Saint Nick also fined $5M for breaking and entering across the globe and was then put on house arrest for the remainder of his life.
So after that whole ordeal, Nicholas was forced to move to Florida to a crappy studio apartment within a retirement community to live out the remainder of his days.
And he would do so on a dialysis machine, a ventilator and wearing a rather festive looking house arrest monitor around his ankle.

Poor Old Saint Nick could not handle living in a politically correct world now these days, but irregardless is still a figment of our imagination that is based upon an actual person.