deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Lezzers
Shock haired peasant stock
from a frozen country
east of Ealing & up a bit
they chainsmoke
& stroke each other's arms
polishing tattoos
at the bottom of the garden
while Heineken, Fosters & Bud
form a circle of admiration
No visible piercings
& orthodox church on Sundays
but giggles after midnight
two girls one bed--
'nuff said.
from a frozen country
east of Ealing & up a bit
they chainsmoke
& stroke each other's arms
polishing tattoos
at the bottom of the garden
while Heineken, Fosters & Bud
form a circle of admiration
No visible piercings
& orthodox church on Sundays
but giggles after midnight
two girls one bed--
'nuff said.
Published 4th Nov 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 5th Nov 2011 10:15am
4th Nov 2011 1:50pm
You have captured the steriotype perfectly IMO... I would say the ending is HOT... but that of course is opinion.
Fun poem :)
Fun poem :)
4th Nov 2011 5:54pm
Anonymous
4th Nov 2011 4:17pm
I can tell you're playing on a stereotype, but not transparently enough IMHO. The poem feels like a snotty, mean-spirited attack on lesbians. The only reason I know you're not serious about it is, I suspect, because I know you, and you're not a stupid man. Neither are you narrow-minded. I suggest trying to look at this poem from an objective viewpoint (difficult, I know). If you'd never read an Abracadabra poem before, would you know straightaway that this is a satire of males, how they regard lesbianism as an oddity and material for their private musings? (Again, I'm assuming that's what this poem is because I know you.) Or would you think it was simply written from the viewpoint of such a male? My suggestion is that you counteract the stereotype you present by pulling the camera back to focus on the narrator, make fun of him as well as "the lezzers".
All JMHO of course. I did enjoy the tight construction of the piece and the cleanly flowing lines.
All JMHO of course. I did enjoy the tight construction of the piece and the cleanly flowing lines.
4th Nov 2011 4:37pm
It's a good suggestion, Jack & thanks for the detail in your crit.
You're correct, I am unlikely to ever become a lesbian so it's difficult for me to know if this would cause offence. I certainly hope not, as that's light years away from what I was trying to achieve. It is the narration which lacks sufficient tone.
I'll tweak the last line so it reads " nuff said"
(You'll have to imagine the way his nibs is saying it, until I can devise something more telling!)
You're correct, I am unlikely to ever become a lesbian so it's difficult for me to know if this would cause offence. I certainly hope not, as that's light years away from what I was trying to achieve. It is the narration which lacks sufficient tone.
I'll tweak the last line so it reads " nuff said"
(You'll have to imagine the way his nibs is saying it, until I can devise something more telling!)
Anonymous
- Edited 5th Nov 2011 11:07am
5th Nov 2011 10:29am
I can not agree with Jack (looking up).
"The poem feels like a snotty, mean-spirited attack on lesbians." It never felt like that to me in any way, and well I take human rights fairly seriously for a number of my own reasons. I think that one who took offence from this, would not have read it properly.
And that is JMO.
"The poem feels like a snotty, mean-spirited attack on lesbians." It never felt like that to me in any way, and well I take human rights fairly seriously for a number of my own reasons. I think that one who took offence from this, would not have read it properly.
And that is JMO.
I always think personal interpretation can be a bit like witnesses describing the same road accident differently.
For me, perhaps this write underlines one of the limitations of modern written poetry (or my own ineptitude) - because if I was reading this aloud to an audience, I would put on my best Sid-snot-white-van-man nasality & probably belch a mouthful of lager at the end (apologies to Transit drivers everywhere)leaving no room for a blurring of the lines which makes interesting thoughtfood at any rate.
For me, perhaps this write underlines one of the limitations of modern written poetry (or my own ineptitude) - because if I was reading this aloud to an audience, I would put on my best Sid-snot-white-van-man nasality & probably belch a mouthful of lager at the end (apologies to Transit drivers everywhere)leaving no room for a blurring of the lines which makes interesting thoughtfood at any rate.
