deepundergroundpoetry.com
Makeup Layup
It was as though a storm had just dissipated and the aftermath was shocking.
The silence was deafening.
Screeching actually.
They both lie helplessly on the bed.
Exhausted,
Relieved...
In some way incomplete.
The anger of the day had drifted off into the night.
By morning there would be many new possibilities for an amazing day.
Lets try again,
tomorrow.
A goodnight kiss on her forehead sealed the mood,
the warm strokes across his back,
mothered him into sweet slumber.
The silence was deafening.
Screeching actually.
They both lie helplessly on the bed.
Exhausted,
Relieved...
In some way incomplete.
The anger of the day had drifted off into the night.
By morning there would be many new possibilities for an amazing day.
Lets try again,
tomorrow.
A goodnight kiss on her forehead sealed the mood,
the warm strokes across his back,
mothered him into sweet slumber.
Published 21st Oct 2018
| Edited 21st Jan 2019
Author's Note
I wrote this after a very tumultuous argument and the air in my home was thick with unresolved tensions. It’s bittersweet when I can write about how I feel and what I experienced.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 3
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
11th Jan 2019 00:37am
Really well-expressed and thought out. Sometimes you just don't get along with the ones you love, so your message is very relatable. I really liked the poem!
I really like oxymoronic phrase you used. I myself am keen to the contradictory terms. I also really liked how you used the storm to portray an argument. That is a creative comparison.
Since you asked for honest critique, here's my only bits of advice: try to expand your vocabulary a bit to keep the poem interesting. For example, where you said "so loud", a single word could have been used to express that (i.e. "The silence was deafening"). Also, aftermath is one word with no space between, rather than after math. Oh, and one more thing. On the first sentence the word "has" should be past tense since you used the word disappated.
Anyway, it's just really minor improvements that I see, and the first thing I pointed out honestly comes down to personal preference.
Thanks for sharing!
I really like oxymoronic phrase you used. I myself am keen to the contradictory terms. I also really liked how you used the storm to portray an argument. That is a creative comparison.
Since you asked for honest critique, here's my only bits of advice: try to expand your vocabulary a bit to keep the poem interesting. For example, where you said "so loud", a single word could have been used to express that (i.e. "The silence was deafening"). Also, aftermath is one word with no space between, rather than after math. Oh, and one more thing. On the first sentence the word "has" should be past tense since you used the word disappated.
Anyway, it's just really minor improvements that I see, and the first thing I pointed out honestly comes down to personal preference.
Thanks for sharing!
21st Jan 2019 2:19am
Thanks so much for your honesty. When I’m writing I’m really raw in my emotion and probably hurting so I can overlook certain things. I do usually try to broaden my vocabulary but haven’t been reading lately. Thanks so much.✍🏾💕
21st Jan 2019 2:23am
