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Diary

It feels like it was just yesterday. I was at a swim party to celebrate the summer. Becky Damons was our adoring host and my bestest friend in the world. It was an exciting time in all our lives as this party symbolized our freedom as teenagers, and from freshman year. It was especially exciting for me. The whole year was full of pressure and stress. We attended St. Jaidyn's, an all girl school that excepts the most advance students. Each class has 50 students that were hand picked by the faculty. Most of the students came from very wealthy families. My family was not, I received the president’s scholarship. Their way of showing they had a heart and wanted to change everyone's lives. St. Jaidyn's was a private school and if I did not hold up my grades, I would lose the scholarship. I was not about to let that happen, disappointment and failure were not options.



Determination. That summed up exactly what my mind frame was day in and day out. It worked, I finished the year with a perfect grade point average, was top of my Freshman class, and proud enough to keep my head high. Not bad for someone who was expected to fail.

Which didn't make me very popular. The other girls would make fun of me, calling me a smelly povert. None of that mattered, because of Becky. From day one, she stood by me. When the other girls knocked me down, Becky was there to pick me up. She never asked for anything, she never once turned her back on me.



I never had a friend like that, she was a once in a lifetime friend. Her and I went jumping into that pool together, all that pressure, all the stress, all the bullies went away. We were here to have fun, let loose, and celebrate life. My doggy paddling kept me near the shallow end of their huge pool, but I loved being in the water. Becky never left my side, and I knew she was the best swimmer in the school.

"You know, this is the first time I seen you smile so much." She smiled at me, and I couldn’t help but giggle in response. She playfully poked me in the tummy. I giggled again. She swam off. I just raised my fist in fake rage, cursing her.

Becky's family had a beautiful home with this pool in their backyard. They had their own personal tennis courts a little further out from the house. Becky told me she took lessons almost everyday. I could only imagine living in that house, everyday would be an adventure to me, exploring and finding lost rooms. This home, this life…was my goal.

Becky was a very fit girl, a normal blonde valley girl. I teased her all the time asking her why she would slum with the little povert. I was so envious of her, she was perfect and I was far from it. I accepted that I am average long ago. I knew I would never be a super model or wear a two piece bikini. I was the little brunette surfboard, although I was up to a "B" thank you very much.



I was bashful and shy, I didn’t deem it necessary to tan, put on tons of make-up and make an attraction of myself. I was far from a valley girl with dark hair and pale skin, and to top it off I was more a flower child. I loved nature, I loved being free, and I really liked the clothes.

She came swimming back with a weird look on her face. I tilted my head looking at her. She had a water gun, and I got it right in the face. I couldn't stop laughing and almost drowned. Becky, who else, pulled me up apologizing. Who else could find away to drown in the shallow end but me? I doggy paddled toward the steps, but Becky had none of that. She immediately caught up to me and dunked me hard, but she was always quick to pull me back up. I felt safe with her. I knew she wouldn’t hurt me. She couldn’t, she told me so herself. She told me she would be lost without me.

The Sun had started to go down. Becky and I had never left from out of the pool. I refused, that was going to be my only chance to swim and the only chance I would get to see Becky. The sunset was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen, and I was mesmerized. The dancing colors from the sun filtering through the clouds splashed multiple colors in the sky. I was mesmerized. I had a chance to be someone, to make something more for myself than was ever thought possible. I had confidence in myself, and I knew right there this is not only a dream but would be my reality.



I knew I would have the support from one of the greatest people I knew. That sunset was my sign. It was a fantastic moment for me. Becky must have realized it as well as she swam. She put her arm around me and just watched the beautiful sky sharing the moment. I looked over at her, she looked at me and we hugged, giggled then dunked each other again. It was the perfect day.

I remember finally getting out of the pool only to see I was the only girl still at the house. I erupted in laughter as Becky tossed me a towel. Being Summer, I realized it was quite late and apologized for still being there. Mrs. Damons assured me it was quite alright and asked me if I would like to spend the night. I really wanted too, but my mother would have never allowed it. She made me beg just to come the hour drive here for the party. I am curious why nobody came to pick me up. My brother had said he would, course he was always dysfunctional.

My mother was at work, she was a the late night nurse at the city hospital. Dad, well, either dad was passed out in bed from working a late shift at the warehouse, or he was out with his buddies playing poker at the Casino's. His idea to get rich quick. That's when I realized I was that girl. The one that came to your house, ate your food, broke something, then expected you to take her home. Yep I was that girl. I didn't break anything, so hey bonus.
I tried to call numerous times, especially my brother’s cell phone, but there wasn’t any answer. I felt horrible.



"Well don't worry, I been looking for an excuse to drive the Escalade anyway. John has been hogging it all week." I couldn't believe it. Everything was going so well. I went from that girl, to being a blessing in disguise. Nothing was going to make this day bad. Nothing!

I couldn't thank Becky and her mom enough for the wonderful day and especially for offering the ride. I explained on the way home how the brother was having girlfriend issues lately and that must be why he didn’t show. Had to blame someone.



I didn't want to over stay my welcome so I ran immediately to the restroom to change. I was in such a hurry, I didn’t where my undergarments. I met Becky and her mom at the big SUV. I hopped in back placing my bag with my wet swimsuit on the floor. Becky joined me in back, and at first I was curious why she left her mom up front alone, when she pulled down a screen and we were watching a Johnny Depp Movie…in a car. A movie….in the car. This was the life for me!

I didn't get to finish watching the movie since we pulled up to my house about half way through it. There wasn't a car in sight. Nobody was home, not that I wasn't use to it. I jumped out of the SUV and ran up to my door. I knocked checking to see if anyone might be there and I just missed the car. No answer so I went for my keys. They were in my bag and it took me a couple of seconds. I waved them off and screamed out a Goodnight.



The door slid open and I waved back to Becky and Mrs. Damons again. I dropped my bag there at the door, shut it and locked it. I would get my swimsuit in the morning and toss it into the wash. I guessed it to be close to 10pm so daddy should have been home. I flipped the wall switch on and only one of the two lamps turned on. I passed it off as one of the bulbs burned out. That’s when I tripped over the damn thing and almost snapped my wrist. It hurt so bad, but I could move it so it wasn’t broke. I didn’t want to be crying but I was, it fucking hurt. I was surely going to be blamed for knocking the lamp over when it could have been dad rushing out to his poker game, or even mom running late. More than likely it was Tommy and his little fit of rage he has from time to time. Him and little miss thing were probably still arguing. Doesn’t matter, mom and dad never blame him for anything. It was me since I was the only one home.



My perfect day was fading quick, I grew even more upset about that and was still crying. I was the child who could do nothing right and did everything wrong. I was so sick of it. I knew I was going to be blamed for the lamp being busted. I knew they wouldn’t even bother to ask how I got home, and I knew they would thank Tommy for not doing a God Damn thing. I should have picked it up, but I didn't. No I had to know if they were going to continuously blame me.





Call it An experiment, I told myself. Hell even a smile crossed my face. My wrist stopped hurting, and a wave of euphoria swallowed me up. Nothing was going to ruin this perfect day for me. So I made my way to the kitchen to get something to drink. As I walked through the doors to the kitchen, I heard someone make their way into the living room. I thought maybe daddy was home. Which would be great, I was dying to tell someone how great my day was. Daddy was just going to have to deal with it cause nobody else was going to be home anytime soon.

I grabbed a Diet Pepsi, and made my way back to the living room. I was so excited I went skipping through the doors and found myself on the floor my soda being wasted. I didn’t know why he tripped me, I didn’t know why he would purposely try to hurt me. He did. I was again crying for the second time. I pulled myself up wanting to just turn toward him and start screaming. That’s when he punched me in the stomach. My knees buckled and I thought I was going down. I was caught so off guard. I hadn't done anything to him. He slammed his fist into my stomach again knocking the air right out me. I gasped and gasped but was getting nothing. I was so confused, tears flowed from my eyes almost making me blind, and when I could finally breathe he hit me again, this time to the face.

I had to reach out and brace myself against him from falling then he grabbed at my shirt. My nose was bleeding and throbbed in pain. I cried for help furiously and tried to kick out as much as I could. He tripped me to the floor. I landed back first smacking my head on the carpeted floor. The force was enough to daze me. He straddled me. With a fury, he struck me with his fist over and over again. My face and chest was his primary targets. I tried to cover up but they were like sledgehammers. Time stopped, I tried punching back at him. I was in no position. He greeted me with a hand around my throat and his full weight on my stomach and chest. I couldn't breathe. I was sure I was about to die. He pulled his hand away and only rained down more punches to my face. Blood filled my mouth and ran down my throat. My face was burning, but I couldn't feel anything. Only the impact....like my body just shut off. Yet there I was choking on my own blood. He realized this as he rolled me onto my stomach. I didn't understand why he was doing this to me, I did nothing to him. I so wanted daddy to come in, and see this. Daddy would save me.

I vomited blood onto the floor and reached out to try to crawl away. It took everything I had to reach out. Blood poured from my nose faster than the tears from my eyes. No success, his weight was completely on top of me again. His elbow was pressed down into the back of my neck. He laughed at me. I screamed in pain and then just cried. Where was my daddy? He never came.



I could feel him adjusting his weight down onto my legs with his hand on the back of my neck. I knew what he was going to do.  I didn't understand why? I started to scream. My shorts were being tugged off and now I knew for sure what was going to happen. I found my mind drifting away. I was nothing.

I opened my eyes to find myself in a beautiful hall. A small orchestra was playing near a huge bay window. The sun was setting behind them, and I, in all my magnificent beauty, was standing in front of Becky. Each of us had on the most extravagant dresses, blue and sparkly, with a small piece of cloth hanging from our right wrist that attached to the back. They fit perfectly around my chest and showed off some of my better features. They draped elegantly down to the floor, flowing like water down a stream.



Everyone around us were dressed in tuxedos and ballroom attire but none could match our beauty. The music started, heavenly delight. Becky and I bowed to each other. I reached out to her with my left and she gently grasped. We walked in a small circle holding out our right arms to allow the flow of the cloth. Becky's eyes sparkled like the clearest of oceans twinkling the sunset. We released hands and started to move away from each other, dancing slowly in circles in rhythm with the music. We would stop only to clap our hands. We were flowing in a graceful dance of purity and love. Till finally we turned to one another. Each on a different side of the floor. We held out our left hands toward each other, with our rights in the air. We reached out wanting to be close, wanting to hold one another.



The music picked up and we raced toward another. We grasped hands and would take turns twirling around the floor. We would laugh and giggle. I was free. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. The room was applauding taking in the awe. They looked upon me in envy. They wished for that moment that they were me. They reached out to me wanting to just touch me. Becky and I continued our dance. Soon the rest of the room followed, they tried to dance like us, tried to keep up. They couldn't. We were better than them. Everything started melting like wax figurines.

My shorts were off and he called me a whore for not wearing panties. I don't remember when he rolled me over, or even if I struggled. I was alone, so helpless. I rolled my head away as I felt the places where some of my teeth should have been with my tongue. Tears and blood river off my face as I looked up to the ceiling. There was no stopping him now. I closed my eyes hoping to escape back to the dance.

I screamed as I felt him push himself inside of me. The pain was unbearable as he filled me. My virginity lost. My hymen torn open, how could this be happening? I had never even kissed a boy, I had never gone on a date. I had never even approached a boy. Never had a boy approach me, never held hands, never had awkward silences, never had anything.



My first experience was violently handed to me by this sick son of a bitch. His hands flew under my shirt grasping my breast. His hand gripped me like a vice. His fingernails tore into my flesh. He pinched my right nipple so hard, I thought he wanted to tear it off. He pressed into me harder and harder. I could feel every thrust into me, I could feel the rug digging into my skin under me, I could feel his sweaty greasy hand all over my chest. Each thrust, I could feel myself being torn open little by little. It burned so bad. I just want it over with. His grunts grew louder, his nails tore more into me. He started to spit on my face, then he filled me with his demon seed. I started crying even harder. He pulled out of me and pulled his hand away. He looked down at me, even apologized. He stood up and I looked up at him. I wanted to ask him why he did this to me, but he wouldn't let me talk. He just kept apologizing but in the same breath told me if I told anyone he would kill me.

I rolled to my side and into the fetal position. He just continued to stare. I started crying out for daddy, then he left. My daddy finally walked in and found me on the floor in a pool of my own blood. They rushed me to the hospital. I denied knowing who did this to me, too scared and ashamed to tell anybody. I thought I would just accept it and move on…


That was one year ago today. I haven't been to school and lost my scholarship. I haven't seen Becky since that day and have now hidden myself in my room.  

He took my virginity, my chance at love, my trust in men. All I have is the pain and scars. Fuck him for doing this to me! Fuck him for taking my life, my future, and my friends! Fuck him for making me into this, a blubbering shell of a human life. Fuck him for being alive. Fuck! FUCK ME for allowing it to happen.

I just wish I could kill myself….but I am too scared to do it myself…I just wish Tommy would have killed me when he had the chance.

God why did I write this? I knew it wouldn’t make me feel any better…Dr. Jennings was wrong.
Written by MatthewKult (Matthew Kult)
Published
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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