deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Stalker
She can't breathe. He's creeping up
through the window pane,
he watches her bathe -
she can't breathe. Tears fall from her eyes.
The stalker. He lingers in the ever-dark.
He waits like the predator. She can't escape his prey.
Where is the good Lord now?
The kettle whistles. He's creeping up
through the window pane,
the hot water down her throat.
Welts rise like soldiers on the inside. Tears fall from her eyes.
"I'm frightened. He frightens me."
through the window pane,
he watches her bathe -
she can't breathe. Tears fall from her eyes.
The stalker. He lingers in the ever-dark.
He waits like the predator. She can't escape his prey.
Where is the good Lord now?
The kettle whistles. He's creeping up
through the window pane,
the hot water down her throat.
Welts rise like soldiers on the inside. Tears fall from her eyes.
"I'm frightened. He frightens me."
Published 29th Oct 2011
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reading list entries 1
comments 4
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Anonymous
29th Oct 2011 4:19pm
A profoundly creepy poem, dark and unwholesome. The child-like vulnerability of the bathing girl and her stalker's voyeurism has a paedophilic edge to it. This could be interpreted as, among other things, an abusive father/daughter relationship or some variation on that.
I can't say I "liked" reading it, but I can't fault your craft. A couple of suggestions though: is "pretty" needed in L10? It seems to tell rather than show, lessening the impact of the line. Also I think the ending could be made more atmospheric by putting it in speech marks. That would distinguish it from the rest of the poem as the unnamed girl's dialogue.
All JMHO, of course.
I can't say I "liked" reading it, but I can't fault your craft. A couple of suggestions though: is "pretty" needed in L10? It seems to tell rather than show, lessening the impact of the line. Also I think the ending could be made more atmospheric by putting it in speech marks. That would distinguish it from the rest of the poem as the unnamed girl's dialogue.
All JMHO, of course.
29th Oct 2011 4:29pm
Thank you, Jack - made the changes, they do help it. :) Thanks again.
28th Dec 2011 2:02pm
*He lingers in the ever-dark.
He waits like the predator. She can't escape his prey*--jawsome line.Reminded me of someone.Well written!!
He waits like the predator. She can't escape his prey*--jawsome line.Reminded me of someone.Well written!!
28th Dec 2011 2:33pm
