deepundergroundpoetry.com
THE RIFLE AND THE FLUTE
THE RIFLE AND THE FLUTE
I took my rifle and l went
to nearby forest birds to hunt.
When l got there, l saw a bird
whose chick fell down through sad event.
The hen was flying with a cane;
it hovered where its chick was thrown.
It urged the chick to perch on it,
but it was too young to have known.
I held the chick and placed in nest,
and its mum set its mind at rest.
It twittered and gave me the cane
and flew to nest with heart so blessed.
I threw my rifle on the ground,
returned with that gift in my hand,
with a happy heart that blessed my act,
and a cane on lips with greatest sound.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
I took my rifle and l went
to nearby forest birds to hunt.
When l got there, l saw a bird
whose chick fell down through sad event.
The hen was flying with a cane;
it hovered where its chick was thrown.
It urged the chick to perch on it,
but it was too young to have known.
I held the chick and placed in nest,
and its mum set its mind at rest.
It twittered and gave me the cane
and flew to nest with heart so blessed.
I threw my rifle on the ground,
returned with that gift in my hand,
with a happy heart that blessed my act,
and a cane on lips with greatest sound.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
Published 18th Jul 2018
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18th Jul 2018 6:24pm
This is more evidence that you are quite content to mangle English grammar (for example, by not including articles when there are necessary), to engage in forced rhyme, and to refuse to write syntactically correctly or even make sense so long as what you write adheres to a style and form of structuring verse that is more than a hundred years old.
19th Jul 2018 1:57am
Perhaps english isn't your first language, the wording feels artificial and forced in a lot of places. Maybe experiment with a different format - make it easier by giving yourself more flexibility instead of hampering yourself with a strict form.
19th Jul 2018 11:40pm
I agree with Sandra. I made some improvements, but this is my opinion of what would sound more clear. Take it or leave it :)
I took my rifle and I went
to a nearby forest to hunt birds,
but when I arrived, I spotted a bird
whose chick had fallen from its nest.
The hen was flying with some cane,
And hovered where its chick was lain
It urged the chick to stand again,
But it was too young to understand.
So, I placed the chick into its nest
To set his mother’s mind to rest
It twittered and it gave me the cane,
Before it flew to the nest… by a happy heart, I was blessed.
I threw my rifle to the ground,
With an unexpected gift in hand,
For my act of kindness, she had spared
A taste of her sugar cane"
I did like the story, it's a sweet idea... quite ethereal!
I took my rifle and I went
to a nearby forest to hunt birds,
but when I arrived, I spotted a bird
whose chick had fallen from its nest.
The hen was flying with some cane,
And hovered where its chick was lain
It urged the chick to stand again,
But it was too young to understand.
So, I placed the chick into its nest
To set his mother’s mind to rest
It twittered and it gave me the cane,
Before it flew to the nest… by a happy heart, I was blessed.
I threw my rifle to the ground,
With an unexpected gift in hand,
For my act of kindness, she had spared
A taste of her sugar cane"
I did like the story, it's a sweet idea... quite ethereal!
2nd Jan 2020 9:15am
Dear NB,
Thank you very much for your cooperation, but for me poetry should have a very accurate rhythm. Without it, it's not poetry. For me, poetry is a song with great meaning. Thank you again.
Thank you very much for your cooperation, but for me poetry should have a very accurate rhythm. Without it, it's not poetry. For me, poetry is a song with great meaning. Thank you again.
