deepundergroundpoetry.com
Distant
I’m not over or above. I’m just far away.
I see a hand reaching for me, but this pain keeps me too far away.
If I yell, I only disturb myself even more. My voice can not be heard from where I’m stored.
When I feel light, I can float to the shore.
They only glance & see the resemblance of me.
Never noticing how far I’ve went & how much I’ve changed.
Being trapped would be a pleasantry.
I am free inside of me, to find everything single the wrong with me. To find everything thing that frightens me.
I see a hand reaching for me, but this pain keeps me too far away.
If I yell, I only disturb myself even more. My voice can not be heard from where I’m stored.
When I feel light, I can float to the shore.
They only glance & see the resemblance of me.
Never noticing how far I’ve went & how much I’ve changed.
Being trapped would be a pleasantry.
I am free inside of me, to find everything single the wrong with me. To find everything thing that frightens me.
Published 16th Jul 2018
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The author encourages honest critique.
17th Jul 2018 3:15am
A short, but meaningful poem, Starr. Theme is "feeling lost", however I think that the narrator has some idea of what's going on with them and around them.
Great work, and welcome to DUP!
Great work, and welcome to DUP!
17th Jul 2018 3:35am
Hi Starr... Like your work... good job getting your idea and your feeling across.
There are just a few places with spelling mistakes or repetition that could use some editing...
L 2) (far away) again would be repetitive... I would use *distant* instead and echo your title
L 3) remove (even) it is not necessary.
L 6) remove (I've went') and use *I have gone* or *I've gone* same with second (I've) Use the same form in both. Either is correct, but read them out loud and see how they sound to you... OK?
L 8) remove (everything thing single) and (the) Say instead... *every single thing* wrong with me. remove the extra (thing) and say, To find every thing that frightens me.
****
Starr... this is only my opinion... you can take my advice or not. It is your decision and is strictly up to you. OK? Thanks for listening. Keep up the good work. Ely
There are just a few places with spelling mistakes or repetition that could use some editing...
L 2) (far away) again would be repetitive... I would use *distant* instead and echo your title
L 3) remove (even) it is not necessary.
L 6) remove (I've went') and use *I have gone* or *I've gone* same with second (I've) Use the same form in both. Either is correct, but read them out loud and see how they sound to you... OK?
L 8) remove (everything thing single) and (the) Say instead... *every single thing* wrong with me. remove the extra (thing) and say, To find every thing that frightens me.
****
Starr... this is only my opinion... you can take my advice or not. It is your decision and is strictly up to you. OK? Thanks for listening. Keep up the good work. Ely
